Natasha's Den

Job: An Extraordinary Companion

2008-11-11T17:03:00.013-05:00

With apologies to my readers who have already seen this:

Job

December 1, 1992 – November 10, 2008

It was October of 1992 when Nancy lost her job due to a downsizing. In January, while she was still on severance, she caught a news broadcast that included a plea from the Capital Area Humane Society to help with their overcrowded shelter. One of the puppies highlighted on that show was Job.

She fell in love instantly with his eyebrows and him. As he gazed into the camera, it was clear he was scared and needed the right mommy. Because she was home all day and available for house-breaking, it was the perfect time to bring a new puppy into the family, and "Moe" as he was originally named seemed like the perfect pup. After all, in her youth Nancy had been owned by a fantastic kitty named Moe. Was it the first sign she recognized in her life? She wrote down his information so she could be sure to get him.

It was two days later before she and her (now ex-) husband could get to the Humane Society, and Nancy was afraid he would be gone, but he was still there. Anxious to get out of his cage, he dug at the bottom of it as soon as they walked around the corner, making it clear he felt the same connection she did, and he came home that night.

They named him Job because they were certain they saved him from a life of misery by bringing him out of the shelter. A few years later when he developed a flea allergy and lost all of his fur from the neck back, Nancy would joke she should have named him Lazarus because then she wouldn’t have had to worry about his being killed by a passing car. Besides, people hearing his name always then called him Joe; people seeing his name in print mispronounced it as well.

While the kitty they had wasn’t thrilled with the prospect of having a puppy around, she learned to appreciate the protection he offered her, and so began to enjoy playing with him in return. A few years later, they adopted a slightly physically-impaired adult dog, Unger, and the two of them became instant partners. Job would nap on the porch while Unger kept watch. If she saw something that might be construed as nefarious, she would give him some warning barks, and he would leap up and charge to it. He would then trot back, give her a nudge that would be a high-five if they could do that, and then lay back down to start the process again.

Job was there for Nancy through many trials. During the troubled times of her first marriage, he would not leave her side. He was always there to give a hug, to lean, to give a kiss. After the divorce, he protected her vigilantly when she lived alone. His elation whenever he was reunited with his mommy made her heart sing. It did not matter if it was 10 minutes to go get some Wendy’s take-out or 10 hours at work; to him any separation was inexcusable, and he would throw himself down and wriggle with “puppy joy” that she was back within his sights.

He reserved his opinion on Don joining the family until he was confident it was a good idea, but once he gave his heart, he gave it completely.
When Fred died, Job laid at Nancy’s feet to say his goodbyes. When Unger died, Job leaned against Nancy to quiet her tears. When Don died, Job would not leave her side, and showed his own mourning by sitting at the gate and waiting for him for hours on end.

While Nancy mourned Don, Job gave her a reason not to give up, and his unconditional love saved her from herself. Nancy knew that no one else could love Job as she did, and he needed her to stay healthy, to continue to work, to get up in the morning and put one foot in front of the other.

He was her rock, happy to jump in the car with her to go visit family or to stay home quietly and just ‘be’ together. As long as he could watch her, smile at her, cuddle with her, he was happy.

When Chris came to visit for the first time, he showed his approval with more puppy joy. When Chris brought the Four Southern Dogs to meet, he sniffed each one, pronounced them worthy, and began to show them how to enjoy a fenced-in yard. He showed them the best places to mark, and taught them to ‘run the border’ before coming in the house.

When Chris moved in, Job made it clear that regardless of the fact that two other men had lived with him, Chris was his only Daddy. From day one, Job gave Chris the same loving looks, followed him around the house, and was elated when Chris returned from any absence of any length.

In recent months, it was clear his health was deteriorating. In recent weeks, he slowed further, and on his last day, he made it clear that while he was not in pain, he was tired and ready to go to the Rainbow Bridge to wait with Fred and Unger. He slipped away quietly as the family was getting ready for bed.

He will be forever missed.

Some Pictures

2008-10-13T22:09:00.011-04:00

Just some pictures from the honeymoon.

I can now say that I've hiked the (entire width of) The Appalachian Trail:

On Wednesday, it rained; it was lovely anyway:

On Thursday we hiked to Clingman's Dome. It's the highest peak in that part of the Smokies (for all I can remember, it could be all of TN, but no matter). We were way up there:

It was so very very high, that you could see across multiple states on clear days. Here is the view north:

You have to wonder. . .

This week

2008-10-09T21:28:00.008-04:00

You’ve reached the blog of Natasha Fatale Badenov. I’m not available to post anything just now: I’m on my honeymoon.

I don’t expect to post anything substantial until after Columbus Day. For now, I leave you with this:

(thanks, P!)

I'll post more as they are processed and sent along.

Expressions

2008-09-28T11:02:00.004-04:00

A fellow widow's post on her nomadic blog got me thinking about this blog, expressing opinions, and such. Let me preface the rest of this with this sentiment: I don't like fighting, no matter how you wrap it up and label it.

I don't like debate.

I don't like screaming and yelling.

I don't like name calling.

I find all of those things childish, and I find the people who thrive on arguing and fighting tiresome.

Like everyone else, I do get passionate and/or angry over events or situations or things people say. Because this place was very private (1), it was here that I used to post private thoughts on which I knew the people around me would disagree with me.

So I felt comfortable a while back when I wrote a post that expressed my anger over something someone had said. I was surprised when someone else - one of my “friends” who read here apparently and who should then have known me well enough to know that I don't like fighting (or at least figured out that I’m smart enough to have posted it where I didn’t think she would see it for a reason) – directed her here to read it. She subsequently jumped all over me via PM on the Internet board we shared, and included the phrase, "I remember when we used to be friends."

See, that's EXACTLY why I don't like fighting. Natasha says, "I'm more angry than I've been since the anger phase of Don’s death, f**k you, how dare you say things that undo my understanding of my adulthood." In return I get, "fine: you're angry at me so we will never again be friends."

Other people are allowed to confront and name call and yell, and when the firestorm of emotions subsides, they can make up. Me? I yell and vent here under the assumption that she would not see it, and I still got attacked. I posted it HERE and not on the board we shared because primarily I saw no good coming from her know how I felt and assumed I would get an attack back if she saw it. On that board, there is plenty of petty bickering (2). There is no way I could ever change her mind on this topic, even using the same logic back she has used to explain her point: Her: "there is evidence that it isn't, so I say it's not." Me: "there is evidence that says it IS, and I say it is." Her: "You're not a scientist, so you don't understand these things like I do."

Anyway, the bottom line is that I’m not allowed to express anger without losing relationships. While certainly this is the Internet and I have posted this URL (see Footnote #1 for why I did that), I did think it was fairly private. I mean seriously? Look at the number of comments I get. I guess I just don’t have anything worth saying. Blogs I read get double-digit replies. The most I’ve ever gotten is 5.

So I think that’s what I’m coming back to:

My writing isn’t worth the electrons it takes to post it.

Edited to add the footnotes that didn't transfer from my Word draft:

1. Even now the feed shows that only 5 people subscribe (and I suspect most of those folks are not regular blog readers); my traffic reports show very few people actually hit it on a regular basis (and frankly, I don't believe the numbers are even that high. They're too constant from one report to the next report. For those reasons, I know my readership is low. Does that bother me? Well, yeah. I would like to be a writer, but if I can’t sustain a readership here, there’s no reason to continue to harbor that dream, and every reason to abandon it. Now. Before I get my hopes up.

2. The petty bickering is one of the main reasons I don’t bother to post there any longer. The other main reason is not something I'm willing to share publicly, but know that it has nothing to do with my upcoming remarriage.

Rhetoric

2008-09-25T08:27:00.001-04:00

Like everyone, I have received quite a few emails lately regarding the election. What I hate about all of them is regardless of who wrote it, you can tell within the first paragraph how they lean.

It irritates me greatly because there has been one in particular where the message is so very important that I would like to share it with folks who are on the other side of the aisle from me. However, I won’t. I think it is too easy to simply dismiss the message because the unnecessary introduction means it’s very easy to simply write it off with a mental eye-roll of, “here we go again.”

Why? If your message is that powerful, why is it necessary to wrap it in rhetoric that turns off the folks who most need to read it?

I know I’m naïve and I know I’m in the minority because I don’t like arguing, but I also know I’m not the only one who gets tired of all of this.

This won’t change anyone’s mind on how they write, and I know it. Acutally, I would fight for their right to speak how they want to speak. But it’s how I’m feeling right now, and I'm disgusted by it because I find it childishly tiresome.

I’ve decided while writing this to post the link to the article. You can find it here.

October 4, 2008

2008-09-23T20:36:00.001-04:00

October 4, 2008 is 11 days away.

EEEEEK!

Two Important Reads

2008-09-18T16:59:00.005-04:00

Tim Wise is "among the most prominent anti-racist writers and activists in the U.S., and has been called, "One of the most brilliant, articulate and courageous critics of white privilege in the nation," by best-selling author and professor Michael Eric Dyson, of Georgetown University. Wise has spoken in 48 states, and on over 400 college campuses, including Harvard, Stanford, and the Law Schools at Yale and Columbia, and has spoken to community groups around the nation."

He has written two pieces recently that I consider quite important. If you care about America, please read them with an open mind.

The first has political overtones, but if you read it and then the second, you will understand that Mr. Wise is only continuing the discussion that is his career.

Oh, and by the way? Before you dismiss either of these as having been written by an Angry Black Man, this is Tim Wise's picture:

And now the links:

The first:
This is Your Nation on White Privilege

The second:
Explaining White Privilege (Or, Your Defense Mechanism is Showing)

I guess "enjoy" isn't the correct term, so how about, "happy thinking."

Update

2008-09-18T16:59:00.001-04:00

Yesterday they did a root canal.

I still feel like hell.

I feel awful.

2008-09-13T18:38:00.001-04:00

In 2005, I discovered I had a cyst in my left, middle sinus cavity. It was a painful discovery, as the cyst was becoming so large there was no room for any typical fluids, and when I had an allergy attack, it felt as if my sinus was trying to explode.

When it went bad, the MRI showed the ENT some rather severe structural issues on both sides of the schnozzle that I had no idea existed. He asked me when I broke my nose. Never that I can recall, although I did tend to land on my face a lot when I was learning to trampoline (is that a verb?). Well, the septum had pushed all the way to one side, and there was no drainage between the middle and lower sinus cavity on the right side.

So he went in and fixed that, but because that was so extensive, he only drained the cyst. He decided there was too much going on at one time to cut the sinus, which he would have to do to remove the cyst altogether. We discussed the risk of it returning. He said there is ‘medium’ risk.

Fast forward to this last week. On Thursday I woke up to a sore tooth. I assumed the rubber bands I have to wear caused me to grind a back tooth against another all night. I’ve done it before, and really, it’s an easy fix. I just take out the rubber bands for a day.

Throughout the day, it got worse and worse, and I decided I would have to tell the orthodontist about it on Friday.

In the middle of the night I had to take a Percocet. The pain was intense enough to wake me.

Friday morning I decided I was not going to wait for the orthodontist appointment, and called my dentist. She has apparently decided to work only part time, because she has typical office hours on Monday, Tuesday, and on Thursday morning. I guess she no longer cares about having hours that work well for patients who work or have kids in school! Frankly, that doesn’t matter because I’ve never particularly liked her anyway, but I always assumed it was because I do NOT like or trust dentists. My most recent previous ‘long-term’ dentist did unnecessary work using scare tactics (confirmed by another dentist – an emergency visit to a dentist in Ocean City, MD while on vacation when her poor work resulted in the need for a root canal (the first of two), but most irritating because I was on vacation) story!

OK, I called another dentist I’d been considering trying because he’s closer to my house. They only have Friday office hours every other week – and not yesterday! Why dentists don't feel a need to work on Fridays is beyond me. But anyway.

So I went out to my dental insurance (thank you, Boris, for reminding me I now have dental insurance! Yeah, when that previous hacker was doing her deeds – using, by the way, what must have been watered down Novocain, I paid for every drop out of pocket) site, and found a dentist office that was open, and glory of glories, one of them was willing to fit me in even though I was not previously their patient and they were booked solid. I say previously because this place is 5 minutes from my house, clean, and kind. I will return.

That dentish said the tooth itself looks solid, but I need to go to an oral surgeon to double-check. “By the way,” she asked, “have you had sinus problems ever?”

Um. Light bulb moment.

It is highly probably this whole thing is the cyst having returned, and it’s pressing on the tooth. There is no pain to hot or cold, only pressure, and then it is intense. The oral surgeon did a quick check, and he cannot see any signs of infection either.

So, I have Clindamycin (I’m allergic to penicillin and sulfa) to knock down the infection – wherever it is, either root or sinus – far enough so he can fully evaluate the tooth.

I have steroids for the inflammation.

I have Vicodin for the pain.

And now I’m loopy! I'm drowsy all day, still in a significant amount of pain (chewing still does that and while we are avoiding as much chewing as we can, there are still times I bump the tooth). During naps I find myself closing my mouth enough to get it to fire off.

Side note: When we were talking, I was telling my lovely friend P about it. She said an infection would garner more sympathy anyway. "Pain from grinding? Quit grinding! Pain from infection? Let me get you some tea!" Oh if only I could just will myself to quit grinding, my dear! When I sleep, I close my mouth, and clench my mouth down. It's part of the reason I got the braces - because it might help me stop clenching once my teeth are correctly aligned. Anyway, I digressed.

(By the way, I’m glad I didn’t wait for the orthodontist appointment. I discovered at 4:45 when I got there and it was closed that I had the wrong day!)

In a wonderful fit of irony, yesterday even was also a veterinary appointment for our oldest dog. Boris came in from that (I was under the effects of Vicodin by then) and said, “there are now more ‘roids in this house than in an NFL locker room!” I just love him!**

Good thing, because we are getting married three weeks from today!

**I just discovered during dinner that the dog and I have the EXACT same steriods - type and amount. The only difference is I'm taking a lot more of them.

News Flash!

2008-09-11T08:35:00.003-04:00

From http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/09/080908185328.htm

“Fake News Shows Don't Teach Viewers Much About Political Issues, Study Finds

"A new study suggests that entertainment news shows such as The Daily Show or The Colbert Report may not be as influential in teaching voters about political issues and candidates as was previously thought.

…

“The study found that people who watch fake news shows learn far less about political issues and candidates than people who watch television news shows on networks such as CNN and NBC.”

++++++++++++++++++

Seriously? You needed to do a study to figure this out? I’m appalled that anyone even thought they needed to do a study to confirm this. I’m ashamed that the study was conducted right down the street at the Ohio State University.

Let me give you a hint: If you’re getting your news from a channel that is called, “Comedy Central,” the odds are the writers plan on the reports being entertainment, not deep-dives into the issues, platforms, and opinions of the candidates.

The scariest part is these people vote!

And today?

2008-09-06T21:11:00.003-04:00

Today we got mail for "Pamy Lastname".

Oh well!

Let's see - today we also got my prescriptions (hooray! I haven't had a decent night's sleep in about a week now!)

And we

Got the rest of the stuff for the Friday Night Bags
Got some more stuff for the Children's bags
Got some of the gifts wrapped
Got the music finished
Got the programs written

So we're making progress!

Question: Do you think anyone would be interested in having a list of the music we're using? While I think in general no one will care beyond, "oh wow! Haven't heard that song in a while!", on the other hand, maybe that's exactly why they will want it - to help remind them to go find it for their own IPod?

Hmmm

Anyway. We're sitting for two more dogs this weekend. I'll post a picture tomorrow. Right now, I want to just go veg.

A new one!

2008-08-28T14:18:00.003-04:00

If you scroll down (actually you can probably just look down), you'll see my post about Anthony Lastname.

Today I got mail from Walmart for Aleesha R. Lastname. She is apparently new to the family.

And the folks at Walmart don't know her a bit. The advertisement is for laundry supplies. I'll need to give it to Boris, considering I haven't done much laundry since he moved in with me.

And yes, I know that makes me a very lucky woman for many reasons.

Thirty-six days. Dang. I have much to do!

I should post something

2008-08-26T21:12:00.002-04:00

But I can't think of anything to say :-)

Here’s one that makes me laugh

2008-08-22T13:59:00.001-04:00

For many years, I’ve known I have a deep voice. When I worked overnights, one of my responsibilities was to call in equipment for repair requests. It was not unusual for people to call me sir. I assumed much of that was because I was also very tired, so my deep voice was made deeper.

When I would call it in, they’d say, “How can we help you?” I would explain what I needed, and they’d say, “we’ll be happy to help you with that, sir.” I always figured that when they would ask for my name, they’d know they had made a mistake.

I’m sure you can imagine my dismay when after giving my real name, they would reply, “OK, Anthony, we’ll be glad to help you.”

Anthony? Really? The ONLY thing that has in common with my name is that it ends in y.

Anyway, that was years ago. Now it’s just a funny memory. Or at least, it was until day before yesterday.

That was when I received documents to help me register to vote from the USAction Education Fund. You guessed it – it’s addressed to Anthony F Lastname.

Dang! They even gave me a middle initial!!!

P.S. Also irritating was the guy who told me I could use my AARP card. I was 42 at the time.

P.S.2. Of course, even more irritating was the guy who called me sir TO MY FACE!!! I just looked down at my female chest parts and said, "Um. It's ma'am."

A Mixed Bag at the Doctor's Office

2008-08-19T20:30:00.001-04:00

So, there I was, happy that the doctor was going to see the doctor. I was going to have official word that, yes, I’ve lost 20 pounds and yes, it has made a difference in my health. And that happened! I officially no longer have high blood pressure!!! YAY!!!

Now, here’s the other side of the coin:

He wants me to have my shoulder x-rayed just to make sure I didn’t do anything more serious than the previously mentioned semi-dislocation.

He wants me to take a daily aspirin. Sigh.

He wants me to take a daily vitamin with calcium. Sigh squared. So far I’m at +1 nightly pill.

He wants me to take estrogen! Sigh cubed! I haven’t taken it in years now, but he feels very strongly that it will be much better for me because of how early I went through menopause. He wants to make sure my bones stay as strong as they are currently. Make that +2 nightly pills!

And the most irritating part of all: My blood sugar was at 103! Now, if you don’t know this, but a fasting blood sugar level of 100 to 125 means you’re prediabetic. Granted, my blood test (they’re a regular thing with this doctor because of my anti-inflamatories, which I’ve taken for years because of a disc issue) was not a fasting blood test – so it has to be next time. GEEZ.

My mother has reported she has ‘sugar’. I’m not sure how high for her, and suspect she’s in the 100 to 125 range. At least, at this point she’s been told to watch it.

But do you know how irritating this is? I go get healthy and come back to more issues than when I left the house. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

I think I'll go have more wine. Medicinal purposes, of course - my shoulder is killing me!

Not to whine or anything, but. . .

2008-08-18T14:19:00.000-04:00

A bit of background: in February of 2001, I dislocated my shoulder. It has to do with being “unstable.” Now, before you all get to typing and laughing about that diagnosis, in this particular case it means that my ligaments are all long, giving me joints that are not a secure as the average Joe (or in this case, Josephine).

I didn’t realize it because I didn’t fully dislocate it, just partially. I could still use the arm in all ways, but I wound up going to the orthopedic surgeon because my arm and neck hurt all the time. Turns out the muscles just beyond the rotator cuff were trying to do the work of holding the arm in place in the shoulder socket, and that’s what was causing the pain.

When it was finally diagnosed in mid-April, I put off the surgery until after A Big Event. Don and I were going to Hawai’i I in May of 2001, and I didn’t want to be there in a sling and unable to swim and enjoy myself. Dr. Timothy said it wouldn’t be a problem. It wasn’t and I was glad I handled it that way because the recovery is not fun. For two solid weeks, the arm was tied to my body, fully immobilized. Then slowly, gradually, I was allowed to stretch it out with the help of physical therapists.

Fast forward to May 2008. I was swimming, doing the backstroke, and felt it pop. I ignored it.

Well, now my arm and neck hurt all the time. I just *know* I’ve done it again. I have hesitated to go into the doctor’s because a couple of other times I thought I did it (based on what the doctor told me what symptoms I shouldn’t ignore), and it turned out fine. This time feels different. This time my arm hurts all down the upper and under sides. The upper side is pure sharp aching constantly, the underside keeps feeling like I’m pinching a nerve.

So wah. I hate this. I hate being in pain all the time, and I hate thinking about what’s ahead if I have, indeed, ‘done it again.’

So I think I’ll pull a Scarlett O’Hara. I’ll think about it tomorrow.

This weekend, I

2008-08-17T20:52:00.004-04:00

Yesterday with Boris’ help, I
> Printed the invitations
> Printed the inserts
> Printed the the other set of inserts
> Trimmed the inserts
> Trimmed a second set of inserts
> Stamped the envelopes

Today I:

Stuffed the invitations
Mailed (most of) the invitations (still tracking down some addys)
Helped Boris pick out and order his tux
Filled 100 very small (2”) flower pots with potting soil and herb seeds. I planted
* Basil
> It means love
* Chives
> It means usefulness
* Lavender
> It means devotion
* Oregano
> It means you’ll have yummy spaghetti sauce (but Marjoram, which many sites I found equated to Oregano, means Joy and Happiness)
* Rosemary
> It means remembrance
* Sage
> It means wisdom

There are 20 each of basil, chives, lavender, and sage. There are 10 each of oregano and rosemary (just because of the number of seeds we could secure). These pots of herbs (as long as they sprout, that is) will become the favors for the wedding. I already painted each pot with merlot colored paint and then wrote on each one, “Chris and Nancy” on one side, and 10-4-08 on the other. There might be a secret message written on the bottom of each pot, too!

So yeah, I guess I wouldn’t blame any of you if you sent me this:

I'm sorry

2008-08-17T00:01:00.001-04:00

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches than there are casinos.

Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed. Because they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect on the chips in the offerings.

The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.

This is done by the chip monks.

You didn't even see it coming did you?

This is the Title

2008-08-14T21:54:00.002-04:00

This one is going around in email, but I thought I’d add it to my blog because I need to answer my sisters and Jackie anyway. I suppose we could turn it into a meme if folks want; perhaps I will in a few when it’s been a while since there was a meme.

Anyway, the point is to answer these questions with a word (or phrase) that begins with your first initial. Here are mine.

1. What is your name: Nancy
2. A four letter word: Neat
3. A vehicle: Nova
4. A city: New York City
5. A boy's name: Nate
6. A girl's name: Natasha 
7. Drink: Nutty Irishman*
8. An occupation: Notary Public**
9. Something you wear: Nothing!
10. A Celebrity: Nat King Cole
11. A food: Noodles
12. Something found in a bathroom: Neutrogena
13. Reason for being late: Not paying attention to the clock
14. Something you shout: NO
15. An animal: North American River Otter
16. A body part: Nose
17. Word to describe yourself: Noisy

*1 oz Bailey’s Irish Cream
½ oz Frangelico (that’s hazelnut liquor)
Pour in coffee cup, fill remainder with coffee. Top with whipped cream

**It doesn’t say it would have to be a lucrative occupation 

Dear Diary

2008-08-12T22:18:00.004-04:00

Dear Diary:

I'm getting better at coming out to blogger and posting regularly. I guess I just needed the break.

Today was an odd day:

First, I dealt with an issue with my curriculum at work. A fairly significant error was discovered. To put it in a nutshell, since I took over one part of the project, some products were dropped; those products made up an entire product focus. I have no more "Managing Risk" products, but still have the header.

Crap. That was a lot of detailed minutiae. I'm still not done fixing all of it.

Then on to the fitting for my gown. :-) That was fun. I decided not to get the train cut off, but instead to have it 'perma-bustled.' That way if one of my nieces decides she wants to wear it as a 20-something, she can have a train.

Then on to Dave and Diane's. We got all the herb pots done for the favors. I still need to cut 100 little circles from coffee filters and fill them with potting soil and then put the seeds in. Then we wait.

Yet to do:
Finalize the menu.
Finalize the invitations.
Mail the invitations.
Finalize the programs.
Print the programs.
Finalize the vows.
Set the music order.

There are probably a whole lot more details to worry about; feel free to remind me if I'm forgetting something. However, I'm not going to worry about it tonight.

Tonight, Boris doesn't feel well, and so we just finished watching Michael Phelps break the record of number of gold medals ever won by any individual.

Hearing Test

2008-08-11T16:52:00.004-04:00

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

"Here's what you do," said the doctor. "Stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, “Honey, what's for dinner?”

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again, he gets no response.

So he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again, there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her.

"Honey, what's for dinner ?"

“Damn it, Henry, for the fifth freaking time: CHICKEN!!!” she replies.

I've been tagged

2008-08-10T22:26:00.017-04:00

The Rules:
1. Link to the person who tagged you.
2. Mention the rules on your blog.
3. Tell about six unspectacular quirks of yours.
4. Tag six fellow bloggers by linking them.
5. Leave a comment on each of the six blogger’s blogs letting them know they’ve been tagged.

One of my favoritests widows ever, the Nomad, (AKA KMY, AKA RRW) tagged me for my very first ever meme. I’m honored, especially because it has been so long since I posted! July 4th? What the hell??? All I can say is that I’ve been busy trying to get wedding stuff together, and frankly, the only person who could possibly care about that is the Bridezilla herself! I refuse to be her, so I haven’t been posting about it.

So, I’ve linked to Kathi and posted the rules; here are my quirks:

1. I eat oddly when I’m not in a public setting with people I care about around. What that means is that if I’m in a restaurant alone, I’ll eat in my odd way, but if I’m in a restaurant with people I respect, will do my best to refrain from eating each item fully in order of how much I like them. So, for instance, if I have a plate of Thanksgiving dinner, I’ll eat all of my green beans first, then all of my rutabaga, then all of my biscuit (with gravy), then all of my stuffing (with gravy), then all of my mashed potatoes (with gravy), and then finally all of my turkey (with gravy).

2. I don’t like air conditioning. I seriously don’t like it. I get cold in it. I prefer outside air with a fan. I work at home now. There is no A/C in this house. I have ceiling fans and tower fans, and am perfectly comfortable 98% of the time. I work better, too.

3. I HATE wearing shoes without socks. It probably has something to do with the A/C quirk and my feet getting cold easily, but I cannot deal with my feet sticking to leather and going from freezing to sweaty. Eeeewww. That’s just gross. I even have been known to (gasp) wear nylons with my open toed shoes (yes, Mae, I realize that makes you crazy; cold feet make me cranky. So, which would the world prefer? A crazy Mae (keeping in mind she is already crazy) or a cranky Natasha?).

4. I count stairs when I go up and down a flight, even when I’ve been up and down that flight many times before.

5. I rarely if ever have less than one ‘conversation’ going on with myself in my mind. Songs, snippets of conversations past and future, including but not limited to, “I should have said THIS,” snippets of writing I want to do, etc. all floating around, ready to be grabbed out of obscurity. Thankfully Boris is used to it, and tolerant because he does it, too!

6. I admit to being one of those people who loves wind chimes and whirligigs. I have 6 whirligigs and 5 wind chimes. I have no idea why it started but now I think that Don (and now Laura and Don) speak through the wind. The chimes and whirligigs are all in the back yard, so I hear them when I’m falling asleep or waking up. When then chimes start playing, especially during times of no wind, I smile and feel the love of those who are no longer here. Yeah, that’s probably bizarre, but I don’t care. My favorite is from a company called “Bells of Vienna.” It has a deep, lovely, melodic song, because it is a 65" chime. You can listen to it here. It's ringing now as I finish this post.

Sorry, but I have no idea how to make that one of those clickable here music things. I also took pictures today, but only a couple turned out. One is my Bells of Vienna chime.

Another is the newest whirligig, which we got at the Ohio State Fair last week:

Now I have to tag six people. I’m not sure I know six people to tag with this one – at least, not six people who don’t mind memes and/or who have not already been tagged! Let me go look!

OK, how about:

Ali T
Boris (OK, that one is cheating because I know he doesn't check or post to this one any longer. He said something about a 'private' blog, and I assume that means he wants one that no one but he knows about so he can be totally honest - and even if I knew where it was, it would be ruder than all get out to post that, now wouldn't it?)
Teacher Lady
Vanessa (hope memes are things she does not dislike!)

(Seriously: I do not know any more folks who might be willing to join in who haven’t already been tagged.)

OK, off to go tell those four they’ve been tagged! Granted, neither Boris nor Teacher Lady will see until they figure it is too late (neither of them have posted since before the last time I posted here), but I'm OK with that. I didn't make a big deal out of any of them.

(And I swear to Gob, the guy on the Olympic calling of the 100m men's backstroke just said that one of the swimmers got off well because he has a "compact ass." Boris and I ran it back to verify, and yeah, that sure as lleh sounds like what he said.)

P.S. Happy Birthday, Don.

Things I Will Post About Soon

2008-07-04T12:16:00.003-04:00

1: My bizarre dream last night: We accidentally got married two months early, creating all sorts of issues.

2: The First Wednesday dinners we attend at The Worthington Inn, where we are having the wedding (unless we accidentally get married two months early).

3: Our biking trips.

4: The Big Read

A Shout Out to Alicia

2008-07-03T18:21:00.003-04:00

Alicia got some great news today, and I just wanted to say,

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!

But it's her place to tell you, not mine. I assume she will post about it soon.

Ah! What a week!

2008-07-03T18:02:00.005-04:00

It was the end of my first week of working at home. I am totally enamored of the process.

Oh, I still interact with my coworkers. I chat on the phone and we have 'eversations' (a word I made up to mean conversations carried on via email). We bitch about the same people we bitched about before; the difference is now she isn't interrupting us.

Because seriously, it's primarily one woman. She's afraid of life. She doens't want to work from home, but doesn't want to go into the office. She doesn't want to drive "sixty miles a day" if she's going to "be there alone." Um, there are other folks in the office, but the rest of us just couldn't take her any more.

Now she's in the process of pretty much demanding they let her strip her cubicle down and take everything home. She has the attitude that they "owe" it to her.

"Well, I need a book case! They need to let me take it home!"

"Well, what am I going to do about a file cabinet?"

"Well, what about pens! They'd better let me take pens home!"

"Well, I'm not buying ink for my printer! They'll have to!"

(Seriously, she starts most of her sentences of complaint with "Well. . ." Actually, she starts them with, "Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell. . ." But I don't want to digress.)

I told her she's running the risk of nickel and diming them until they decide this isn't worth their effort and we all have to go back to the office. I also told her that buying one stinking file cabinet would cost less than 2 days worth of gas (I even found her some office equipment on Craigslist!), so she should put the money that she would have spent on gas toward a file cabinet.

I set myself up so I can also turn my personal computer on during the day. Now I'll be able to play Cahnahstah with one of my favorite people in the whole wide world!!! Alicia's in Arizona. I'm in Ohio. The time zones create havoc on our schedules. We haven't been able to play yet this week, but we will soon.

Earlier in the week it was because I was too busy. Today it was because of the WONDERFUL news that I'm sure she will post about soon.

I worked extra hours - I can start earlier and end when Boris gets home, so I work a little later, too. If Alicia isn't available for lunch, I work through that, too.

I watch The Today Show, ER (currently spending two hours every morning with a young George Clooney), Los Vegas, Without A Trace, Law and Order, Ellen DeGeneres, and then the 4 PM news.

It's a sweet setup, and most importantly, I got twice as much done this (shortened) week as I normally do. It was great!

Anyway, sorry to go on and on. I was just sitting here loving it so very much!!

P.S. I promise to find time to do The Big Read this weekend!

The Beginning of a New Era

2008-06-26T21:31:00.006-04:00

Today I packed up all my belongings from my job, and brought it all home.

Nope, I didn't quit; I became one of the folks who said, "I can no longer afford my commute, please let me work from home." And they said yes.

I will be happy in this new arrangement. The environment we were in had a lot of struggles. There is the woman who makes everything a big drama in which the world is out to get her. A couple others talk and visit a lot while I'm trying to concentrate. The call center is in the building, and these people have NO sense of it being a business. I cannot tell you how many times I could have crashed a party because they stood outside my cube area and yakked on their cell phones. It seems it was a good 'stopping spot' to dig out car keys.

But I digress.

I know many others do not work well in this kind of environment, but we've been doing it a few days a week for a while now. This just means that I don't have to let folks know where I'll be.

And I don't have to pay for gas to go across town twice a day.

And I get more work done here than I do there.

Never have I been happier that I'm an introvert than I am right now.

So it took a few extra hours tonight, but all my crap is now here, and I will be basking in the joy that is a home office (for the most part) from here on out.

Yeah baby!

I love my kitty, but...

2008-06-25T21:25:00.002-04:00

...right now I'm a touch irritated at her.

She climbed up on my work laptop, and I had to take her off because she was sitting on keys that were making it beep because she was trying to search or something.

And when I picked her up, her claws caught the O key, the K key, and the spacebar.

And ripped them off.

And I don't want to go to work and just have them fix it because it's the second time in a couple of months that she's done this!

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

So we will get a keyboard and fix it ourselves.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

But I love her bunches, and I know it was just because she wanted to be near. She loves me, too.

What I’ve Been Up To

2008-06-23T21:29:00.004-04:00

by Natasha Badenov

Let’s see – I haven’t posted since the fifteenth. OK, I need to catch you up on stuff.

On Monday, I worked.

On Tuesday, my S2BMIL went back to PA. I worked.

On Wednesday, I was able to work from home again, so I did.

On Thursday, I worked from home.

(An aside you need to know: Every Friday, I send an email to my coworkers called, “Friday Folliez.” It’s a lighthearted email that sometimes includes a blogspot quiz, sometimes just a piece of trivia, sometimes a quick joke or riddle. It’s just a way to keep us all connected. If you want to get on the list, just let me know – since I author it, I can add who ever I want. Send me a PM or email and I’ll put you on the list)

Friday was Take Your Dog to Work Day, so I worked from home with my five canine kids (and three feline kids). That was half of our Friday Folliez, and we wound up sending each other pictures of our pets. What is it about pets that makes people connect so well? It’s odd, but people who I might feel neutral (at best) toward suddenly become warmer in my eyes.

The second item on the Folliez was the fact that Friday was the first day of summer. For years now I’ve been ‘celebrating’ the beginning of summer by toasting the moment the sun hits the Tropic of Cancer and then watching the sunset. In years past, I spent the time with Don. In recent years, I spent the time alone. Last year, I watched it and then came in to IM with Boris. This year we enjoyed it together with a bottle of Moscato (Boris isn’t really all that “into” wine, but he keeps trying for me) (and Moscato is a very sweet dessert wine). It was, in a word, wonderful.

Saturday we took our requisite bike ride. Loved every minute of it.

And on Sunday while working on the yard, I pulled a back muscle (boo). Then we played putt-putt. I lost (boo squared).

Today was the first day of Boris’ vacation, and he has to work (boo cubed). He’s got to (something technical) at 5 AM. I feel bad for him and wish I could help. Right now he’s IMing with someone from work, so hopefully it will run easy for him.

That’s it! Now you know why I haven’t been updating much lately :-)

I'll post pictures tomorrow or so now that the Nomad has told me what she did to make hers look right.

Bummer

2008-06-15T11:28:00.002-04:00

I tried to add a post wishing my father and Chris a Happy Father's Day.

Unfortunately, I cannot figure out Blogger's HTML. I cannot get the pictures to line up where I want them, even using HTML code. Hmmm.

Ah well. No biggie.

I love my dad, and I love Chris, but in different ways (of course!). Happy Father's Day to you both.

Today

2008-06-14T19:24:00.005-04:00

Today I rode my bike for 30 miles. To put it into perspective, that's like 158,400 rulers laid end-to-end.

It was called Tour de Feed (get it??), and it was to benefit the Mid-Ohio Food Bank.

It took us 2 hours and 25 minutes. That means we averaged over 12 miles an hour. We calculated that I burned about 1500 calories, Boris about 1800 calories.

(That's me)

(That's Boris)

(Those are not from today, but they do show us in all our biking glory)

Now if you'll excuse me, I believe I have earned that piece of Tiaramisu.

A Shout Out to Dave

2008-06-10T21:37:00.004-04:00

Dave has been my friend for more years than I care to admit right now, thank you very much. I happened to be cleaning out some sent emails from work and found one to him. I sent him another note, and in our ensuing e-versation (I made that one up :-)), he mentioned that he reads my blog on occasion.

I'm so glad you do, Dave! And I dedicate this post to you!

I could have sworn I had an old picture of us from high school (a cast photo from Godspell, as a matter of fact), but now, of course, I cannot find it. When I do, I'll scan and post. I think then I'll send Sally the URL to this blog, too. I think it's with the one of you from Walter Middy. You look so CUTE in your hornrims and plaid pants!**

And Shirley I. I'll have to send this to her, too. I just saw her last weekend as a matter of fact at Dori's youngest's high school graduation. Time flies. We talked about putting together that reunion for the band/thespians from 1973-1978 or so.

Whaddya think? Can we pull it off?

Anyway, maybe I can get the sisters to send me some pics from the party. We were being weird at one point (you don't say!) and posed in the Cap't Morgan's pose.

**Please note all of my post high school friends: there are NO pictures of me from 'back then' in which I look weird. Nope, nary a one. Nada. Zip.

This is Job

2008-06-03T22:49:00.006-04:00

He’s been my best friend, confidant, champion, responsibility, love for more than 15 years. He got me through an awful marriage to a paranoid schizophrenic, unemployment, a divorce, a new love, the new love’s death, the loneliness of that loss and the self-certainty the solitude would be permanent and for once not my choice, more unemployment, and the adjustment to a new love.

On Sunday, he had a seizure that lasted more than half an hour. It was scary, and the night was a study in the Essence of Natasha:

Stage one: Question my judgment. Do we really need to take him to the ER? Will this pass? The ER is so expensive!

Stage two: Get him in the car. Boris sits in the back to hold him (because he carried him out there). I drive. Impotent rage at the traffic jam from a truck that turned over on 71 North. Said truck was carrying (I kid you not) live cattle (yeah, this town is frequently called a 'cowtown'). Cattle running around on the highway, and they closed the TWO highways we needed. I went into my scary uber-calm. Drive carefully. Make sure I don’t cause another accident. Get us safely there. As long as we were moving, I was steely calm. If we were sitting, it was all I could do not to yell at other drivers, honk my horn, etc. I got us around it and finally got to the ER. I get Boris and Job to the front door. Boris carries my baby in the door and I go park. I put my shoes on, and go in myself.

Stage three: I turn into a blubbering mass of not understanding what is going on. Do I follow you back there? There are documents that need to be completed? What’s my name? How old is he? I am so very adamant that that poor vet techs know he is 15½ as of that very day. I’m sure they don’t care, that knowing 15 is enough, and am thankful they are used to dealing with the rantings of a woman who just watched her baby go to what might be the very last time I see him alive.

I sob. Boris completes forms. I sob some more. I moan, “I cannot lose him. I want my dog!”

Stage four: cautious optimism returns. He will be OK for a while. The seizure is probably due to an ear infection that was so deep we were not aware of it until Saturday. On Saturday, something burst and started draining. We said we’d have to call the vet on Monday, but I was confident the vet would get him in that day. He’s gotten much better, and I can take him home with meds.

Stage five: impatience. I want my dog I need my dog where is my dog give me my dog I want my dog I need my dog where is my dog give me my dog I want my dog I need my dog where is my dog give me my dog I want my dog I need my dog where is my dog GIVE ME MY DOG

Stage six: deep, deep gratitude that I have been given a stay on my grief. He comes out from the treatment room, and I fall to my knees, hugging him, holding him, crooning to him. Boris completes our check out procedure. I am thankful we are given instructions in writing because I cannot, will not pay attention. I am too busy hugging him, holding him, crooning to him.

Stage seven: I will work from home this week. I must watch for any additional seizures. And I am grateful, for it means that I can continue to give him the hugs and treats that my friends keep asking me to send his way. As my coworker who is the mother of my pet sitter said, “He’s such a sweet doggie.”

Yeah. And he loves me unconditionally. And it is mutual.

So this is Job. And in the clearest essence I can express, this is also Natasha.

Well dang

2008-05-29T22:11:00.004-04:00

It's been almost exactly a month.

While I'm not yet feeling bouncy in the morning, I can tell you that on Monday the 26th, Boris and I took a 27.5 mile bike ride.

The second leg was uphill, and we still did it.

I guess we are making progress!

Oh yeah - and I've lost 18 pounds and Boris has lost 25.

We rock!

The Road to Better Health

2008-04-30T22:03:00.002-04:00

I'm still working out every morning.

And this evening: we went for a 7 mile bike ride before dinner.

I'll be so sore tomorrow.

Tell me, someone, please...

When do the endorphins kick in?

The World's Most Perfect Weekend

2008-04-27T21:44:00.003-04:00

Friday evening: bought a gas grill with part of my tax refund

Saturday morning: sat on the porch, looking at said gas grill, drinking coffee, while puppies gamboled in the yard

Saturday afternoon: drove 2 hours with Boris to watch my favorite ball team; had fun just "being"

Saturday evening: drove home after a bottom-of-the-ninth, bases-loaded, single by one of my favorite players to win the game against one of their fiercest rivals; then we walked north for about 9 blocks so I could show Boris some cool, cool stuff from that city; on the way back to the car, went past the field. . . AND GOT THE AUTORGRAPH OF ONE OF MY FAVORITE PLAYERS!!!!!

Sunday morning: my sister called to tell me one of my two favoritest nieces would be playing softball half an hour from here. Went to Home Depot to get what we needed to level the grill. Did the graveling, the top soiling, the re-bricking, and the sanding.

Sunday afternoon: Went to see niece play. She pitched well. She hit a run. Saw nephew, who came with sister and BIL. Good to see him. He's 18, so I'm less of an embarrassment than I used to be :grin:

Sunday evening: grilled a steak, sweet potato, and asparagus on the new gas grill.

Sunday late evening: helped niece with a paper for class. It's nice to know that my editing skills are valued by the family. BIL even suggested niece send to me over his wife (my sister). That felt good.

Now: ready for bed. All warm fuzzy, and sleepy.

You know, 4 years and 50 weeks ago, I was happy as a clam, planning on what my life would be.

Four years, 50 weeks, and one day ago, it crashed around me.

It has taken a long time, but I have totally reclaimed my life from the grief. Of course I will always remember. Of course I will always have moments.

But it will not define me ever again.

Progress - I suppose

2008-04-24T08:07:00.000-04:00

Wow. It’s been a long time since I posted. I knew it had been a while – I just didn’t realize how very long.

When I was trying to analyze it (because I’m all about the analysis!), I thought it was because I have become obsessed with losing weight and getting in shape for the wedding.

But that can’t be it. I get up early now to work out (yeah, me. Go figure), so it’s not that I don’t have the time at the end of the day. It’s not the calorie counting I do all. Day. Long. Same issue applies. By the time I get to the evening part of the day when I’m having my allowable glass of wine while in front of the computer (I have to drink white wine anyway because of my braces, and that’s lower in calories than my beloved reds), I’m done counting.

I wonder why? I think I’ll blame it on the fatigue. Yeah, that’s it. By then I’m a touch brain-dead. Very tired. Just want to veg.

I envy the people who can work out and feel better. I’m not there yet, and it’s been two solid weeks of doing this. Pretty cool for me, and I love that part.

What I hate is that I can’t seem to find a spot where I can reduce my calories to a healthy level and still lose weight. I know, I know, you’re not supposed to weigh yourself daily, but I have been because I’m seriously trying to find that level.

So after eating small amounts to the point where I’m hungry a LOT of my time, I’ve plateaued. OK, yes, from the first day I’ve now lost 7 pounds. That’s good in just two weeks.

But what’s frustrating is that I had been down to a total of 10 pounds lost. It’s creeping back up. Sigh.

Ah well. I’m oddly enjoying the spreadsheet I built. It has multipliers for calories per serving and then the amount of my serving, how much my weight has changed from the previous day and how much since I started this – not only in a ‘by pound’ analysis, but also in a percentage of weight.

I assume that eventually it will even back out and I’ll start losing again. I hope that’s soon.

Because I want to look GOOD at this wedding :grin:

Ouch

2008-04-14T21:09:00.001-04:00

My tummy hurts.

My shoulders are reminding me they are there.

My knees ache.

But I’m working out and counting calories. It is only six months until the wedding, and I plan on looking GOOD!!!

I even got up this morning and worked out. I’m (mumble-mumble) years old, and that is the very first time I’ve ever gotten up early to work out.

Wish me luck at keeping it up!

Overheard at the ball game tonight

2008-04-07T23:34:00.003-04:00

The pitcher threw a third ball, so the count was 3-0. I heard the man behind me yell,

"My mother could throw better.

And she only has one arm.

And one leg.

And two eyes."

Answering Alicia's Meme

2008-04-03T22:12:00.006-04:00

First, the rules:
1. Each player answers the questions about themselves.
2. At the end of the post, the player then tags five people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves a comment letting them know they've been tagged and to ask them to play along and to read your blog.

What I was doing 10 years ago – 1998
1. I was still a newly-no-longer-wed. I was most likely watching a lot of TV and reading as I didn’t date right away, but Don and I were friends. . .just not dating yet.

2. I was working third shift as a trainer/shift leader at Kinkos. Man, that job sucked!

3. I was no longer attending church; the people in the church where I had been a member had abandoned me. I suppose part of it was because I needed to divorce my ex-. And yes, I did what I could. I left one woman (who had 6 months previously asked me to be her matron of honor) probably more than 5 voicemails. She ignored every one of them.

4. I was playing with the Internet. My dad had loaned me his computer, and I had a CompuServe email address. No way I could remember that email address now. It was something like AOIJ230snIOnnvw0123@compuserve.com

5. I was enjoying having all of my spare time be on my terms. I did what I wanted, ate what I wanted when I wanted it, went to bed when I wanted, and yet – I was grieving the loss of my marriage, for my life was not what I expected at that point.

Five things on my to-do list today
1. Address my ‘Save the Date’ cards

2. Clean the litter box

3. Work on my song list for the wedding

4. Finish the Day 1 and Day 2 Leader’s Guide, Day 1 and Day 2 PPT, the Participant Workbook, the Handouts, and the Product Profile Guide for my curriculum.

5. Finish this meme :grin:

Snacks I enjoy
1. Berries (big bowl full!)

2. Hummus (especially when it is homemade!!!)

3. Wine. Love my red wine.

4. Baked puffy Cheetos

5. (that might be it; the braces have put paid to many of my former favorite snacks).

Things I would do if I were a billionaire
1. Quit my job

2. Pay off my mother’s, father’s, and sisters', and my mortgages

3. Pay off my nieces’ student loans, and set my nephews up so they don’t have to pay for their college

4. Buy a house on the coast that is big enough that all my wid-buds can visit if/when they need to

5. Set up the Humane Society of North America so they never again have to worry about how to keep the animals safe.

Five of my bad habits
1. I am messy

2. I am on the computer way too often

3. I leave laundry unfolded until it gets worn

4. I leave the dirty pots and pans until morning, or afternoon, or the next night, or the next morning

5. I forget to clean the litter boxes as often as they should be cleaned

Five places I have lived
1. Eastlake, OH (when I was 0-15)

2. Timberlake, OH (when I was 15-18)

3. Oxford, OH (when I was 18-22)

4. Youngstown, OH (when I was 22-23)

5. Richmond, VA (when I was 23-26)

(After Richmond, I moved to Columbus, OH, where I have lived since)

Five jobs I've had
1. District Training Manager for Hechinger (now out of business)

2. Third-shift leader at Kinko’s

3. Account Associate at Xerox (gee, too bad no one told me it was a SALES job. I hate sales. I’m not good at it, and have never intentionally taken a sales job)

4. Education Services Consultant at MindLeaders (Last I heard, they are on the auction block)

5. Instructional Designer/Curriculum Manager at National City

Five people I tag (in alphabetical order)
1. Boris

2. Just_Michelle

3. Sneakyg

4. Tanja

5. Teacher Lady

I want it to be fun!!!

2008-04-03T19:36:00.001-04:00

So here we are, really in the last push of planning for the wedding. I keep coming up against one stumble: What to do at the reception???

Here’s the deal. Chris isn’t much of a dancer, and truth be told, I think I probably am not as good as I think I am. You know how that goes, right? I’m all dancing my heart out, believing I look like Jennifer Beals in Flashdance…and then catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, I realize I look like Elaine in Seinfeld!!!

I will have music for dancing (I have a new IPod Nano just for this purpose, and am truly having a riot putting together song lists*). I think I’m going to have decks of cards (so I can whomp one of the Women of Honor in Ca-nah-sta), but I’d like some ideas of other games.

Many of these folks will enjoy the chance to simply catch up in person. My guest list is 85% out-of-towners, so there will be some serious chat time, but what else do you like to do with a group of folks? Indeed, given there will be beverages flowing, I foresee laughter, but I am hoping to find ways we can have folks interact. Pictionary? Brainiac? Perhaps I’ll find a Twister board!

We will have cameras at every table and a few scrapbook pages so folks can leave us notes and take a picture of themselves. We will then be able to mount those pictures on those pages and have a pretty fantastic keepsake.

But. . .but. . .but. . .I want all of the guests to walk away saying, “that was one hell of a par-tay! I haven’t had that much fun in YEARS!! I’m so glad I came!!”

So tell me – how do you define ‘fun’????

*Please post song suggestions here, too. So far the IPod is pretty heavily leaning toward the 70s and 80s!

test

2008-03-29T10:28:00.002-04:00

What I would love

2008-03-27T22:55:00.001-04:00

would be to enter the reception to the Plain White Ts, "Our Time Now."

Our Time Now Lyrics

But I'll probably chicken out :grin:

I'll feel better tomorrow

2008-03-22T22:37:00.001-04:00

I'm beat. Really beat. It was a long, long day, and I had little sleep.

BUT!!!!

We have a date, we have a location.

So who wouldn't feel better soon? :grin:

The saga continues

2008-03-22T02:03:00.000-04:00

Today I had to deal with a second issue at work.

There is a woman who is on some of my project teams. No matter how many times I tell her I write to our style guide, she tries to change what I’ve said.

Part of what I mean is that in our Leader’s Guides, we only use stem sentences. The short version is our facilitators can more easily keep their place as they look up and down, they should not be reading, and keeping the stem sentences keeps it more neutral for them to use their own voice, cadence, and pacing.

And yet she sticks her nose in there when I asked her to verify the answers to 25 questions.

It burns me up to think she thinks I don’t know how to write a complete sentence.

But should I bother to tell her? I don’t think so.

First, I’m so angry over the way she treats me (another example: she has yet to meet a deadline, and we don’t set them without her agreement; her word means nothing to me) that I’m pretty sure I would not be able to stop myself as I started listing her transgressions.

And then she can make my life hell.

So I guess I can sit here and take it until Boris and I get married. After we do, I can do contractor work and leave there. Say, anyone looking for an Instructional Designer? Maybe I wouldn’t have to wait!

But I must get out of there. It is 1:30 AM and I am still so riled that, well, I’m posting here instead of sleeping. I tried, but as soon as I laid down, my mind started churning on all the things I wanted to say. But I cannot say them, even here. The Internet is far from anonymous! I’m proof that I am not allowed to post my opinion and feelings without getting tracked down and ‘told what for’.

And I need my sleep now, because this part of the project is due Monday AM, and because she spent so much time doing what I did not ask her to do and ignoring deadlines and agonizing over a word placement (hey, guess what? This is product training for a bank! You’ve set their goals so high, they’re skipping those pages all together!) that I will be pulling an all nighter Sunday night.

Bad day

2008-03-13T00:09:00.000-04:00

Damn, today sucked.

It’s such a long, long story, and I’ve run out of energy. I guess I can sum it up by saying my job has become unacceptable because of today.

In a nutshell, my boss had a meeting behind my back on my project, didn’t back me up, and had NO IDEA why having a meeting without telling me about it is not cool. She’s new to the job, so doesn’t know what we do. That was her excuse.

I’m livid.

Of Cabbages and Kings

2008-03-10T19:51:00.007-04:00

'The time has come’, the walrus said, ‘To talk of many things: of shoes and ships and sealing wax, of cabbages and kings.’

C.S. Lewis

It seems lately my posts here have become hodgepodges; I think of things and decide to write about them for they are on my mind. At first I tried to make notes for myself to have topics for days when nothing hits me, but then I realized that none of them are really long enough to be considered a topic. Many of them are simply thought snippets.

I am in awe of many of the people whose blogs are listed on the right. Their skill at crafting a post that is rounded and intriguing escapes me. I doubt that I will ever have that level of ability.

And that’s OK for now. I believe it was seeing their clarity of thought that made me understand deeply that I do need to find a way to compose this jumble that is the essence of me. When the differences in how I think affected my career, I could rail against the unfairness of others who wanted cookie-cutters of themselves nearby, but stand firm in knowing, “I like me like I am.”

Now that I have some very real examples of women I admire who wrap up their thoughts neatly in a package before presenting it to us, well, I have a different reason to try to make sense of who I am and what I want to say before I start to say it.

But – and this is an important “but” – I have decided instead to think of the mishmash as a ‘potpourri’ of thought. Perhaps it is more accurately a ‘mélange’, but in any case, I refuse to see it as a negative element. It is part of me for now, so instead of thinking of it as something that bothers my friends, I will instead think of it as a quirk they willingly endure, for I am worth it.

That said, I will leave you with tonight’s patchwork:

I miss Boris. He had to go to Washington, D.C. for a work-related training program. Sigh. Come home soon, Boris!!

By the time he gets here, I will be on my way to Chicago to see friends, so I won’t see him for a whole week! But I do get to see one of my Best Women (OOMBW) (for the wedding) and a woman who is affectionately known as either the Handwalker or Ms Whorepants. I am certain of one thing: Much wine will be had by all. OOMBW even said she's going to try to remember to see if she can find a very specific kind for us. Perhaps something along these lines, OOMBW?

We got 20 inches of snow from Friday afternoon to Saturday evening. It snowed non-stop, and included some high winds, too. Today on the news I heard it was the worst storm in central Ohio since (are you ready for this?) the winter of 1863. Yes, I said eighteen-sixty-three. The Civil War. Dang.

They also mentioned a storm that was (now third) on the list. It caught my eye because it was more than 12 inches of snow, and it happened April 3-4, 1987. That's my birthday. Considering how much I hate snow, you would think I would remember that. Nope. My mind is very adept at forgetting stuff I don’t want to remember.

I have decided to rearrange my links. I had labeled some of the blogs I like my “Widow Blogs,” but it occurs to me that most of these blogs are far more than that. They weave their stories and they mention the grieving as needed, but they are not the only topics. Most of these folks seem to no longer consider their widowness their primary identity, and so I will give them the same respect.

My teeth are sore. I went to the orthodontist today, and they put a new 'chain' on my front teeth and added rubberbands to the mix. So for dinner, I had stovetop with gravy. No chewing required.

I love to cook

2008-03-09T14:16:00.005-04:00

As you can see from my other cool sites links, I love to cook. I just made this lasagne on Friday for Boris, and he said it is the best lasagne he has ever eaten. While I suspect a part of that is because he does love me, I thought I would post it here anyway.

Nancy's Lasagne

Ingredients
• 2 cups fresh ricotta
• ½ pound (plus a little is OK) shredded Provolone
• ½ pound (plus a little is OK) shredded Mozzarella
• ½ pound (plus a little is OK) shredded Romano
• 1 egg
• 1/4 cup milk
• 1 tablespoon fresh basil (chopped)
• 3 large (outside) cloves of garlic, chopped fine
• Salt to taste
• Freshly ground black pepper to taste
• Nancy’s Meat Sauce (below)
• ½ pound grated Parmesan cheese
• 1 package of no-cook lasagna noodles (I use Barilla)

Directions
1. Make one batch of Nancy’s Lasagne Meat Sauce. If possible, do that the day before and let it sit in the refrigerator overnight.

2. Combine the ricotta, provolone, mozzarella, romano, cheese, egg, milk, basil, and garlic in a large bowl. If possible, do that the day before and let it sit in the refrigerator overnight.

3. Spray a TALL 11x13 pan with cooking spray. If you are using a glass one with handles built in, make clean up even easier by covering the handles with foil first. That way you won't have baked on residual spray to scour off later.

4. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.

5. To assemble the lasagne, spread a thin layer (about 2½ cups) of the meat sauce on the bottom of a deep dish lasagna pan.

6. Dot the surface of the sauce with ¼ of the cheese mixture over the sauce (Note: if you put the cheese together the night before, microwave it a touch to loosen it). Spread it as evenly as possible.

7. Cover the cheese with ¼ of the dried noodles.

8. Spread ¼ of the cheese filling evenly over the noodles.

9. Repeat with a layer of sauce then noodles then cheese until you're out of ingredients.

10. Finish with a layer of sauce.

11. Place in the oven and bake until bubbly and golden, about 45 minutes to 1 hour.

12. Cover with the grated parmesean (and I usually slice any remaining provolone and mozzarella and put that on top, too). Turn up the heat to 450, and bake for another 10-15 minutes until the cheese is bubbly and beginning to brown.

13. Remove from the oven and cool for 10 minutes before serving.

14. Slice and serve with garlic bread and a chopped salad.

+++++++++++++++

Nancy’s Meat Sauce
• Olive oil
• 1/3 pound (85% lean) ground beef
• 1/3 pound ground buffalo (yes, buffalo! It’s sweet, lower in cholesterol; if you can’t find it, use ground veal, but do look for the buffalo!)
• 1/3 pound bulk sweet Italian sausage (or hot if you like spicy foods; you can also use sausage links and cut them open and fry the meat in bulk that way)
• Salt to taste
• Black pepper to taste
• ½ medium white onion, chopped fine
• ½ medium red onion, chopped fine
• 1 stalk celery, chopped fine
• 1 large carrot, chopped fine
• ½ green pepper, chopped fine
• ½ red pepper, chopped fine
• 4 large (outside) cloves of garlic, chopped
• 1 (28-ounce) can of peeled, seeded and chopped tomatoes
• 2 (14-ounce) cans of fire roasted chopped tomatoes
• 1 small can tomato paste
• 3 cups beef stock
• ½ cup water
• ½ cup red wine
• 2 bay leaves
• The leaves from 2 sprigs of fresh thyme (about 1½ tablespoons)
OR ¾ teaspoon dried thyme
• The leaves from 2 teaspoons dried oregano (about 1½ tablespoons)
OR ¾ teaspoon dried oregano
• 3 tablespoons fresh basil
OR 2 teaspoons dried basil
• 2 ounces Parmesan cheese

Directions
1. Chop the onions, celery, carrot, green and red peppers, and set them aside in a bowl.

2. Combine the beef stock, water, and wine in a container with a spout (at least 1 quart). Take the tomato paste, and put it in a small bowl, and whisk it until it ‘loosens’. Then add a bit of the liquid, and stir some more. Once the tomato paste is to a pourable consistency, add it back to the rest of the liquid, and stir.

3. Chop the garlic, and put it in a small bowl (smaller than cereal bowl if you have it; this step is just for organizational purposes). If necessary, chop the thyme, oregano, and basil, and put it on the same bowl. If you’re using dried herbs, measure them and put them in the bowl with the garlic.

4. Once all of your prep work is done, coat the bottom of a large saucepan with olive oil, and heat over medium heat. Drop in a pinch of one the meat. When it starts to bubble, add the rest of the meat (if it is easier for you, combine them in a big bowl first. Personally, I think it is easiest to brown, break up and combine in one step).

5. Add salt and pepper to taste, and brown for about 5 minutes until most of the pink is gone. You don't have to worry about all the pink being gone because it will continue to cook as you finish the sauce; if you're going to use this for lasagne, you can be even less worried about the pink being gone totally.

6. Add the onions, celery, carrots, green, and red peppers. Season with salt. Cook for 4 to 5 minutes or until the onions just start to get translucent. Add the garlic and tomatoes, and cook for a couple of minutes.

7. Add the tomato paste/beef stock/wine/water mixture, the canned tomatoes, the thyme, bay leaves, oregano, and basil (if you’re a fan of spice, add some red pepper flakes to taste at this point, too). Mix well.

8. Bring the liquid to a boil, reduce the heat to medium and simmer for about 1½ hours, stirring occasionally and adding more water or water and wine mixed if needed.

9. Stir in the cheese, remove from the heat and let it sit for a few minutes. THEN test to see if it needs more salt or pepper. Remember: Parmesan cheese can taste very salty, so don’t add any more salt until the Parmesan has had a chance to melt into the rest of the sauce.

10. For safety’s sake, if you can, let it cool for 15 minutes to half an hour before trying to work with it if you are using it for lasagne. If you're using it for other pastas, you're ready to rock.

2 mish-mashed things

2008-03-08T20:35:00.001-05:00

I have a coworker who is one of the nicest women I know. I also realized the other day that she’s pretty brave. She speaks her mind , but does it without mocking others for disagreeing. She does not attempt to shove her opinion down anyone else’s throat. She just believes what she believes, and she is always respectful of others.

She is rare.

I am finding instead more and more people take advantage of the fact that the Internet is anonymous. They say mean, nasty, ugly things to and about people because they can hide behind an ID they made up. Hell, some folks are too lazy to even bother making something up. They just post under “anonymous.”

It is cowardly and callous and immature. It is like the kid on the playground who runs up behind you, pushes you, and runs back in the other direction. By the time you stand up to see who did it, they have blended back into the crowd.

I don’t get it. If you don’t like someone, why not just stay away? Why go out of your way to try to make someone else feel bad about themselves?

++++++++++++++

We tried to go see about a place to get married and have the reception today. We made the appointment a week ago. We couldn’t go. A blizzard kept us home. While staying in with Boris was nice, he had to shovel so that he can hopefully go to the airport tomorrow.

My niece couldn’t come over for dinner last night, either :-( I just couldn’t risk her trying to get here with the snow as bad as it was.

Doctor’s Follow-up

2008-03-08T20:00:00.003-05:00

I saw the doctor early last week, and just realized I never posted about it. I have to admit that I trust this man, even though this conversation went totally differently from how I thought it would (see below if you need the background parts).

I told him what the doctor at OSU said; I had to tell him because even though they sent ME a letter, Dr. F never received it.

So he didn’t know that the guy at OSU said I am bi-polar . . . or perhaps uni-polar. His moue of disbelief was wonderful. He said he has known me for more than 10 years now, and with the ‘sole, understandable exception of when Don died,’ he has never seen me exhibit symptoms of depression, let alone mania.

Then I told him the letter said I have a cyclothalmic disorder, which according to my Internet search (it helped to know that’s how it is spelled!) means I have schizophrenia or schizo-affective disorder. He laughed.

Seriously, I know I should have laughed and just brushed it off, but the reason I couldn’t was because my ex-husband was either schizophrenic or had schizo-affective disorder or was paranoid with highlights of depression (all this depends on when he was diagnosed or who gave the diagnosis), and he constantly stopped taking his meds because he was “all better.” He finally had to go to an injected medication because he would just stop taking the orals, and I could not deal with that.

Anyway, he is going to call around and find another psychiatrist for me. I am glad. I wanted to make progress. I wanted to stop having two or three songs going through my head at a time (notice, I did not say "RACING" through my head, which the OSU guy put in the letter), and I want to stop being interrupted.

I want to carry on a normal conversation. I want to keep friendships.

And some day I want to earn a promotion. I want to feel like I am successful in my career.

I am reading again

2008-03-01T12:01:00.001-05:00

And I am loving it. I have missed having reading top on my list of “Things to Do,” and to have brought it back gives me a little bit more regaining of myself after widowhood.

Oh, I completely understand why I was not able to read for so long. In the early days, we are naturally so stressed, so disjointed, so struck with widowbrain that to concentrate on a book is impossible.

At six months, I started on my Masters work, and so reading for pleasure went further out the window. Then, just a couple of weeks before I completed all of my work, I started to panic: What the HELL was I going to do with my time??? I went back to school to fill my evenings with something meaningful (and because I needed to be able to support myself better), and suddenly (OK, not so suddenly), that was going to be gone!!! That’s when I found my widow-board. Reading in the evening turned into sitting at the computer, reading what others wrote about our shared experience, and writing back to give encouragement, a hug, acknowledgement.

But after shutting down and getting ready for bed, I found myself once again awake (It is one of the curses of my form of insomnia: The movement of getting ready would awaken me again). I started to read “easy” stuff so that my mind wasn’t re-energized. It helped me fall asleep or kept me company when the insomnia struck hard.

But I never got back to being a READER. I was able to leave the house without a book in my tote bag. In all of my adult life after college, that was not my reality. Prior to Don’s death, there was no such thing as me NOT having a book with me. It is the main reason I carried a tote bag to work instead of just a purse. Heck, one of the things I did for myself to reclaim me was to build bookshelves floor-to-ceiling, wall-to-wall – but I filled them with books I had already read, not books I was going to read.

That has changed. Thank you, Alicia, for bringing the printed word back to me. Thank you for giving my brain exercises in thought again. Seriously, Good Reads has done so much for me. The computer gets shut down earlier, the TV stays off more (although in years past I read while I watched TV :grin:). I have three or four books going at once now, and I take work breaks in my car so I can read a few pages in peace and quiet.

Next step: Begin writing for pleasure again, too. Ooooh. Scary.

P.S. And I corrected the spelling of Marana.

2008-02-27T20:03:00.003-05:00

Another meme...I figured why not!

Four jobs I have had in my life:
1. Kentucky Fried Chicken Salad girl
2. Convenient Food Mart cashier
3. Inventory Specialist at Stambaugh's
4. District Training Manager at Hechinger

Four movies I would watch over and over:
1. Singin' in the Rain
2. Major League
3. A Christmas Story
4. Holiday Inn

Four TV Shows that I watch:
1. House
2. Law and Order
3. Medium
4. CSI

Four places I have been:
1. Fort Lauderdale
2. Honolulu
3. Ocean City, MD
4. Sevierville, TN

Four people who email me (regularly):
1. My sisters
2. Alicia Pentha
3. Mae Labluver
4. Suzie Handwalker

Four of my favorite foods:
1. wine
2. cheese
3. crab
4. steak

Four places I would rather be right now:
1. Tuscany, Italy
2. Marana, AZ
3. South Amboy, NJ
4. Chicago, IL
5. Someplace warm and tropical with Boris*

*yeah, yeah, I cheated!

Four friends I think will respond:
Ah, this is not a fair question because I'm posting it to my blog!

Four things I am looking forward to in 2008:
1. My wedding
2. My honeymoon
3. Catching up on my reading
4. Writing more

The Survey Said!!!

2008-02-21T20:32:00.003-05:00

OK, so I just tagged my age with that subject. I’m trying to be upbeat here, so give me a mini-pass, please.

I’m down because I got my test results today, and I do not have ADD (according to that doctor). Nope, I have a “psychothalmus problem” which causes a mood disorder. In layman’s terms, because I do not sleep well, I am either bipolar (manic depressive) or unipolar (clinically depressed).

OK, first of all, I’m bummed big time because I was hoping so very hard that finally, finally there would be a reason for why I:

Can’t hold (local) friendships together.

Can’t carry on a conversation (especially without getting interrupted).

Have tanked my career at every single place I’ve worked because I cannot keep my mouth shut when I should.

Cannot shut down the songs and conversations in my brain. I’m not ‘hearing voices’, I simply have a bazillion things going on in my brain at the same time. Constantly. It’s the main reason I’m such a lousy conversationalist. . .5 topics at once scrambling to get to the front of the line.

But none of that is to be. Even more disheartening: the doctor’s going to send a letter to my primary care physician in “the next 10 days or so.” Lovely. Freaking lovely. I won’t even get to see him for probably a month, given how long it takes to get into my doctor’s office. Once I finally do get the appointment, I can hear him now:

“Well, Zoloft worked in the past.”

“No, Dr. F., it doesn’t. It makes me less likely to scream at people, but the tenseness, the fidgetiness, the constant need to get up and MOVE, the multiple topics running absofreakinglutely constantly while I’m trying to work, the total inability to start a project if it’s large with many pieces, the total inability to not give so much stinking detail that I drive people away (note this paragraph), well, the Zoloft doesn’t help with that.”

“Well, but that’s what the Trazadone is for.”

“You said the Trazadone is for sleep.”

“Well, it is.” (Seriously, he starts most of his sentences with “well”)

“It doesn’t work. I’m still not sleeping consistently. I might sleep well 2 nights in 5.”

“Well, you need a higher dose.”

No. I need something different. I need a psychiatrist. Fat chance in central Ohio. According to the folks at OSU, there is a shortage.

Because with the shortage of psychiatrists, and the wait to see Dr. F so I can get a referral to a psychologist, well, I’m bummed.

I'm also pretty bummed over the fact that I think he made up that term. I can't find it on Google...or webMD...or Dept of Health and Human Services....

Oh, and the worst part? For years I’ve gained much of my identity from being “smart.” Turns out I’m not.

So what’s my point here? Hell, I don’t know. (but according to Cher, “do you believe in life after love???”) I’m not even sure why I’m posting this. It’s not like anyone can help. I guess I just need to whine and cry.

Thanks for reading.

Mis-match and catch up

2008-02-20T21:30:00.003-05:00

It’s been more than two weeks since I posted here; work has been kicking my butt. Working late, working on the weekends, etc.

Add to that the fact that Boris was sick (nothing major, but he still deserved some TLC).

Add to that the fact that Boris and I have finally started an exercise routine.

And, well, suddenly two weeks can go by. In the interim, I:

> Discovered a couple new websites that I really enjoy (I’ve added them to my link list).

> Finished the lion’s share of a project at work. I almost posted about how ugly it got, but I wanted to distance myself from it, from EZ (unfortunate initials for a woman, eh?), from SL, from KS, from the whole mess. In a nutshell, the Product Managers wanted my training to be at least partially marketing materials and communication material. Makes it hard for us to reuse it, so I balked. It didn’t help. And it didn’t help that none of them met a single deadline. But I still had to meet mine. Ugh. OK, done venting (for now).

> Found out a friend of mine successfully got a bill passed in the Ohio House!! Linda lost her son to a car accident a year ago, and it took the police/hospitals/etc NINE HOURS to contact her that her son was dying. Why? Because they have different last names! Now, thanks to Linda's efforts, in Ohio you will soon be able to post (voluntarily, of course) Emergency Contact Information in your DMV files. Oh, it still has to go through the Ohio Senate, and then on to the Governor's desk, but both have promised it will pass. And it passed the House unanimously. If you would like to help, or if you think you need to have the same law in YOUR state, go to Linda's website, Parent Grief.

> Got this email from my sister. You’re supposed to remove the sender’s information and replace it with your own and send it on to friends. I decided to simply post it here. If you feel like responding, I’d like that. If you don’t feel like responding, that’s fine too. Now you just know My Twos a bit more.

Two Names You Go By:
Emilina Pabalasqueech Baboink and Natasha Nelson

Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now:
(A bird is a bird. . .a fish is a fish. . .But a Dog is a Person) sweatshirt, reading glasses

Two Things You Want In A Relationship:
Loyalty and shared responsibility (got both in my most important relationship, too!)

Two of Your Favorite Things to Do
Read/write and talk online (either via email, message posting, in a game room, or IM) to my too-geographically-dispersed family and friends

Two Things You Want Very badly:
Money in the bank and a nice wedding where everyone leaves the reception saying, “that was FUN!”

Two People Who Will Fill This Out:
I can only think Alicia will…and perhaps Ms Stella!

Two Things You Did Last Night:
Made wings for a potluck and filled out more books on GoodReads

Two Things You Have Eaten Today:
The above mentioned wings and chocolate cake (it was a potluck of “all brown foods”)

Two People To Whom You Last Talked:
Kim and Boris

Two Things You're Doing:
Blogging and answering emails and watching TV and drinking wine and cruising some of my favorite web sites (have I mentioned I think I have ADD lately?)

Two Favorite Holidays:
The Fourth of July and Christmas

Two Favorite Beverages:
Coffee and red wine

Your turns!

Well now...

2008-02-05T20:50:00.000-05:00

So get this:

You know the award I just mentioned I won? Well, the longer version is that I got the notification of the award a few weeks back...and the nomination was addressed to Natasha Nelson. I kid you not. Boris said it's because I'm on a first name basis with the folks who all matter, but really, I was a tiny bit miffed that the person nominating our team didn't even bother to get my name right. I called the award hotline number (yeah, it's that big of a deal for this company - everyone who is nominated gets an 8 x 10 certificate, and we have full time employees who work on this year round), and they sent a new certificate with my name correctly displayed: Natasha Badenov. I told my BFAW, Rocky, that I was going to keep the Natasha Nelson one, and if there were any screw-ups, I was going to blame Ms Nelson.

Fast forward: the team won the award. I went to the page on our intranet, and there I was in all my glory, Natasha Nelson. Sigh. I called the award hotline again, and they said they would correct it. "More importantly," I asked, "can you make sure you get my name correct when you send out my award?" "Certainly," she replied. "I just fixed the label."

Today I got my award. Rocky (by the way, she won TWO of them, one local and one National; I'm quite proud to have her as my BFAW) saw them and brought them over. I was on the phone, so she just set the envelope down and pointed to the label, chuckled, and left.

There is was: Badenov Nelson.

I kid you not.

As Rocky said, "They got ONE name right the first time...and THAT'S the one they changed!!!"

I'm rather enjoying this!

P.S. Thank you, Stella, Vanessa, and Tanja!

Hey, Guess What!

2008-01-31T20:59:00.000-05:00

OK, here’s the shortest version I can do.

The company for which I work has a yearly award called the Excel Award. Teams and individuals are nominated from all over the company for one of three reasons.

Everyone comes together for a video teleconference. First they announce the ‘local winners’. That’s kind of like semi-finals. Then from the locals winners, they announce the ‘national winners.’

Last night the project for which I was nominated didn’t win any national awards. No biggie.

But this morning I found out it won a local award in Cleveland**!! Woohoo!

**That means I get an award!! And I can put it on my resume!!!

Florida ‘Bago, 2008

2008-01-21T02:41:00.000-05:00

It is 2:15 AM, and I am sitting at the table in my hotel room in Lauderdale-by-the-Sea. I just finished a two hour gab session with Jamie T and Ernie. Prior to that, I had a weekend filled with the joy of being with my widow/ers.

Those of you who have never experienced the loneliness of extended widowhood probably think we are a bizarre bunch in how we cling to each other. To you I say, “Fantastic. I am truly pleased you never had to feel the despair that those of us who were alone for so long have felt.” Really. That is not sarcastic. I love my fellow man, and am glad you didn’t have to wonder what so fundamentally wrong with you that made you:

Impossible to love

Only worth a small portion of happiness

Worthless in the eyes of others

Yeah, yeah, I know. Not everyone is as warped as I am

However, I know from experience if you have been through an extended time of being on your own—whether because of widowhood, divorce, or otherwise not being married and/or in a committed relationship, you wonder. The rest of the world pairs off and is with someone who notices the ins and outs of day-to-day struggles and helps you with them, and yet you’re on your own.

You might also be on the back side of the end of a long-term relationship, and although you’ve not had the despair of the last few years alone, you’re staring down at it now. It sucks.

Regardless (or for Mae, irregardless), (and by the way, Mae, my Word just flagged that as a non-word), time in adulthood being single when it is NOT by choice is difficult.

So it is no wonder that I sit here in awe that Chris and Michelle and Susan and Jamie and Aliene and Alicia and Ernie and Ron and Ali and RayBob and Peggy and Chris and Elizabeth and Joseph and Ann and Stella and Betty and Don and Michelle and Dawn and Mae and Rachel and Tanja and Anja and Karen and Kathy and Lois and Annie and Rob (and everyone else who has been so important to me) and I all found each other, and have helped each other over these tough, tough days.

Bet you didn’t know there were so many young widows in just my sphere of vision, huh?

I thank all of them for opening your hearts and your lives to me, so I might know I am not bizarre.

Certainly I will have future posts in which I rail at the injustice that is done to us. Of course I will spew venom at the idiocies that plague our society—no matter what our marital status.

For now, however, I ask that you indulge me. Let me simply wallow in the feeling of being understood and accepted.

I will watch this storm continue to roll into southern Florida, thankful that for once the storm is meteorogical, and not emotional.

And perhaps tomorrow I will take the time to write about the idiot who delayed my landing by 2.5 hours because he was drunk and stupid, and so said he had a gun with ‘enough bullets to take out everyone on the plane.’

What an asshole. I hope he gets a new “friend” in prison.

I think I’m shallow.

2008-01-12T23:26:00.000-05:00

No, that’s not accurate.

I think I’m tired of exploring myself. I read the blogs of others, and I completely impressed by how bravely they bare their souls on their blogs, and how easily they connect to each other.

I posted recently to Alicia that I thought that being open and honest on a blog takes courage. Annie gave it a different perspective, that it really defeats the purpose of these types of blogs if authors have to run a constant inner censor. OK, she’s right. So I decided I’d try again. I had a bit of time in the car alone today, so I thought about what I could say about how I’m feeling about different subjects.

And then before I did, I opened a private message from someone (after she made a veiled comment about it elsewhere publicly) who had read my (now deleted) angry post. I hurt her, and so I deleted it. I honestly didn’t expect her to ever read it, but she did, and her reply to me included the phrase, “Remember when we were friends?” Huh. Other people talk about their anger and the issues get resolved. I express my anger, and I get reprimanded.

Hell, I guess I’m more surprised by the fact that she found it at all. I assume no one really reads this. I rarely get comments, so I know I’m not striking a chord. I must say I’m surprised at some of the places that I see on the traffic feed. But I digress.

I spent the years immediately after Don’s death trying to figure out who I am and why I cannot connect with the rest of the world. I struggled so deeply with loneliness. I have no children; one of two local friends moved to Florida, the other is very busy with her church. At the time, I didn’t have any cyber friends. I was, in a nutshell, rejected by society for being too different.

But when you have all of your private awake time (and probably half of the work hours, too!) with nothing better to do than to contemplate your navel, you get to know the ‘inside gal’ pretty well. I like me, I honestly do. I love hard, and I’m loyal. I’m warm. I’m intelligent. I am very empathetic. I’m caring. I’m funny. I think things through and make my decisions based on logic tempered with love. I’m generous to the point of having gone without food so someone else can be fed. I’m honest.

But I’m an introvert with a touch of ADD. I can’t help it, but I’m bad at conversations because of that trait and that struggle. I’m sick to death of being interrupted by others, so I’ve stopped trying to fight it. At this exact moment in time, I cannot think of a single person who hasn’t cut me off mid-sentence of mid-anecdote to change the subject completely, and that hurts to the bone. Given the common denominator of those instances, it’s my fault, not theirs, and the message is clear:

“Natasha, you bore me. I’ll start talking now because if I have to listen to one more word from your mouth, I’ll scream.”

Or maybe—maybe—maybe that’s why I get few comments? Maybe what is, in person, interruption with something more interesting, here it’s “click next.” Hmm. Interesting. I’ll think about it. But probably not bother to post about it.

2008-01-08T21:25:00.000-05:00

So tonight I came home and while watching Boris make dinner, I started going through one of those Wedding Favors catalogues. Holy crap. There’s a lot of crap! And there is a LOT of crap we have to deal with in this wedding!

What we have so far:
> We got the rings.
> We got the gown.
> We got the clergy.
> We got the Best Women. There will be three. They don’t walk down the aisle.
> I’ve threatened all three of them with, “If you’re not nice to me this year, I’ll make you wear this:

They all know me well enough to know that in reality, I was serious when I said, “What’s in your closet that looks good on you and you are comfortable wearing?”

What we don’t have:
> A DATE. A FREAKING DATE! We’re looking at fall (hopefully October 4, 2008), but because we have no idea where, the when is still a bit up in the air.
> A place! Where will we hold this thing???
> Male honor attendants
> Gifts for the folks helping out with this
> (What the HELL will be good enough for these people, not cheesy, something they’d enjoy having???)
> Invitations! Can’t exactly write invitations if you don’t know when or where you’re getting married!
> A caterer
> A photographer
> A baker for the cake
> A design for the cake
> Programs
> Vows

And you know what? It can all wait until after we’re back from Florida!!

2008-01-07T23:12:00.000-05:00

Today was an awful Monday.

I can't even remember all of it, but the outline:

My boss asked a question. I answered, "We need A." She contacted the other unit manager and asked for F. Not even B or C, which would have been close, but F. Geez. One more thing for me to clean up. Sigh.

My team mate, who should be able to go to my boss with questions had to come to me. It's a drain on my time, and I'm not the boss. I shouldn't have to do my boss' job while I'm trying to do mine, too.

A MAJOR piece of the current project that could have/should have been noticed was missed...this means the likelihood that I have to put time in over my vacation was just bumped to a higher level.

When I started to deal with those two issues, I got drained, so went out and got a skinny vanilla latte...and promptly spilled it on my desk. I rarely go to Starbucks. I just cannot see spending the money, but I got a gift card, and I do so enjoy it...so I can splurge because my father knows I love it. Anyway...haven't had a Starbucks for not sure how long, and I spilled it. Sigh.

The afternoon was spent dealing with the above mentioned project issue, and FIVE freaking times when I tried to add bullets, it crashed my entire Word document. Good thing after the first time I was prepared and did a save, but DANG it was irritating.

But the worst??? I got nominated for the company's top award. I received that nomination certificate today.

Too bad they got my name wrong.

I'm going to bed. I'll weigh myself tomorrow. Right now, I'm too mentally bushed.

Nine days, and I'm in Fort Lauderdale. I'll make it.

2008-01-04T21:05:00.000-05:00

Day 4 of My Year of Matrimony (thank you, Dawn, for giving me that great perspective!).

So here I sit, fighting off a cold for the last 5 or 6 days. I'm sure it will pass, but the weird congestion in my ears is getting really really old. Thank God I can work from home when I need to/want to, because I wasn't comfortable with the thought of driving.

I am also thankful that the cold means I didn't have to exercise too much this week. :-) OK, that is sad that I'm already 'getting back to' a goal, but the good news? We haven't slid backward on our eating goals, so we're halfway to staying healthy. I've lost 2.6 pounds. Well, OK, not really. First, anything I've lost at this point just about has to be water weight. Second, when I took my first weight mark, it was evening. When I took the one above, it was morning. I'll go weigh myself now. Can you hang on a second?

Well crap. I've GAINED .8 pounds. That's just WRONG. AND I banged my shin while I was weighing myself. The same shin that I banged yesterday, right in the same bruised spot.

But I'll keep plugging away.

Oh, hey, tomorrow we go to the Columbus Bridal Show. Maybe then we can finally find a venue, which will let us finally set a date!

I'll keep you posted (pun intended).

2008-01-01T19:55:00.000-05:00

Welcome to 2008

I’ll bet it’s a huge surprise to discover a blog entry that has resolutions on it. For some reason, though, I prefer to consider these items ‘goals,’ not resolutions. I was talking about it earlier with Chris, and I think it’s because to me it feels like once you break a resolution, you might as well give up for the rest of the year, whereas with goals, you can continually move toward them even if you mess up. You “break” a resolution, but you “become refocused” on a goal.

Here are mine, short and sweet:
> Health
* Body
a135 by the end of the year
X Limit fast food to healthy options
X Daily multivitamins
X Lunch out no more than once a week
X 5 small meals a day
X Walk 4 times each week, for 20 minutes each walk
X Ball workout 3 mornings a week
õ Get up by 7 AM to be able to do that
* Mind
aIn bed by 11 weeknights, lights out by midnight
aGo to doctor to see if I have ADD
> Family
* Chris
a Never take him for granted
a Date night once a month
a Special gesture of some sort at least every other month
a Begin/end day by saying, "I love you!"
> Pets
* Catch up their vet appointments
* Keep them well groomed
* Clean the litter box every third day (there are three boxes, so it’s not that awful that I let it go that often)
> Extended Family
* Respond to every email within 24 hours
> Friends
* Respond to every email within 48 hours
> Work
* When I’m there, I work
* Strive to be less distractible
> Hobbies
* Reading: read two books a month (one serious/one light)
* Writing: post in blog at least once a week
> Financial
* Savings
a Add to non-health savings account monthly
* Debt Reduction
a Begin allocating amount to debt reduction each month
a Think about any purchase over $50 for at least a week
> Home
* Get organized
aBe a selective, organized pack rat
* Plant and use herb garden
* Improvements
a Make progress in basement by the beginning of the year
a Create a running to do list and check off one thing each weekend

To an unnamed widow:

2007-12-19T21:04:00.000-05:00

Post deleted by author. Reason for deletion is in post dated 1/12/08.

Time Flies!

2007-11-19T21:15:00.000-05:00

Item 1:
Time flies when you're busy getting Christmas done early. That's the case here. All shopping is complete. I just have to finish making two gifts. One is 99% done, the other is 10% done. Oh yeah, and I just remembered I need to get two gift cards.

Item 2:
I hate the way this blogger system deletes everything if I over-highlight with the up arrow.

:-)

How you doin'?

Oh Freaking Well

2007-10-21T11:51:00.000-04:00

It was a good run, but the Indians have managed to fall apart so badly that there is no doubt in my mind that the Red Sox will be in the World Series with the Rockies.

I'm not surprised, just once again disappointed. And this time, I'm so disappointed that I told Boris last night, "I'm done being a fan. That's it." In my entire life they have never managed to win the World Series. In my entire life they have only managed to get there once or twice.

I guess what is the worst to me is that the arrogant assholes like Manny Ramierez continue to get away with their bullshit antics...and now feel as if they have the "right" to be that way.

So, Peggy Hall--let the mockery begin. I know you will start on me tomorrow.

And I've decided also that I might as well give up on the Browns now. It will save me from listening to the crap I hate so much for the rest of the season. Yeah, they suck. Those of us who grew up there get it. You don't need to shove it down our throats even further, OK?

Just leave me alone.

I've been way busy but...

2007-10-14T08:46:00.001-04:00

...had to take a moment to recap last night's Indians/Sox game.

Bottom of the 9th, score tied at 6.

Bottom of the 10th, score tied at 6. Chris and Nancy go to sleep because they have to get up early on Sunday to go to Lodi to go shopping with Dori.

Top of the 11th, the Indians score FIVE runs!!! Boston had nothing left in them, so the Tribe won, and now the series is tied.

They go to Cleveland now, where the Tribe will have home field advantage. Should be great games!!!

NO NEED FOR GAME 5!!!!

2007-10-08T23:42:00.000-04:00

GO TRIBE!

And so we move to the next level, part 1…

2007-10-08T11:06:00.001-04:00

Time with Boris shows us clearly that we are meant to be together. Our lives are wonderfully non-controversial.

Eleven months ago today we had our first “conversation” via private message on our widow board. Ten months ago tomorrow we had our first IM session, and we haven’t been out of contact since. Two months ago last week I flew down to help him move up here, and two months ago tomorrow we drove up here to become a full family.

And we have not yet had an argument!

Of course, we both realize that record cannot stand forever, but seriously, we are so in synch with each other that I highly suspect it will be a while. As we moved through this last weekend, I was struck by how many times I would have gotten angry or frustrated at Don or he would have gotten angry of frustrated at me. I’m on the back porch right now, looking at the garbage can I neglected to roll to the curb last week because it would have required I move three cars and I was on my way to work. Boris was out of town, so I didn't leave the house for work and find it magically already at the curb. Don would have come home from the trip and said, "you should have planned better." Boris just said, “so, let me get this straight…Monday is a holiday, so trash day moves to Tuesday?”

Yeah, this city does that, and I thought it was more or less universal that the city garbage collection moves a day when there is a holiday. Guess not. Anyway, we took care of silly little chores, like I fixed the one wind chime while Boris putzed in the house. Then I finally got around to trimming the zip ties, which we used to hand the wind chimes and whirly-gigs from the porch. Don would have gotten irritated that it took me two months to do that, but oh well.

The laundry went undone while we had fun at the grocery store and then while Boris drove with me to an alumni advisory board meeting of my sorority. Again, Don would have disliked I spend the time, Don would have not come along (and the ride there and back is nice time with Boris), and Don would have never agreed to stop at the Farmer’s Market and get a pumpkin, and Don would not have said, “yeah, let’s go 3 hours early next time and stop at the Antique Mall. Heck, I can think of more than once when I wanted to do something fun over the weekend, and Don would reply, "well, we will need to do the laundry on Friday, then, so we can be ready." What the hell? We have/had more than enough clothes to get through more than one week at work, so why the need to never just enjoy life? I feel badly that so very much of his life was wasted with "I need tos" and "I have tos" as opposed to "I want tos," but I know that was his choice, and he would have hated not getting 'things' done. I, however, have learned not to put off something enjoyable as I want to build good memories, not just remember doing dishes.

And the work gets done, so why should I give myself an ulcer over whether it gets done on Saturday or Tuesday?

[Excuse me. I need to go take the Styrofoam away from the puppy.]

So yeah, you get the picture. Life with Boris is much more me being me…and being loved “anyway” or “in spite.” Do we, when we’re younger, settle for love that includes controversy because we’re afraid we won’t be loved by any one “as is?” Does widowhood make you say, “screw that. I’m me, and this is who I will be. I’ve been alone because of the largest stressor a person can go through (hey, that’s the AMA who says that, not just me as a young widow), and so damn it, accept me as I am or go away?”

Or did Boris and I just plain luck out and find the yin to our yang?

I don’t care. All I know is I’m going to marry this man and do the best I can to make him happier than he’s ever been. And on that note, I’m going to go mow the lawn now so he doesn’t have to do it.

And so we move to the next level, part 2…

2007-10-08T11:00:00.000-04:00

TRIBE UP 2-0 FOR SERIES!!!

2007-10-05T21:34:00.000-04:00

Yeah BABY!!

And a wonderfully exciting game! They won it in 11 innings!!!

Update

2007-10-04T23:22:00.000-04:00

12-3, babeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Just a thought, a dream, a wish, a hope

2007-10-04T19:21:00.000-04:00

GO INDIANS!!

BEAT THE YANKEES!!

Wild Thing...you make my heart sing....

We have tickets to game 5. I would be happy to not be able to see the game if it is because you take it in 3. Or 4.

Random career thoughts

2007-10-03T19:48:00.001-04:00

I picked a crappy career. Oh, I’m good at it, and I love it, but Training is ALWAYS the first to go if a company decides to ‘resize’ because of the economy. Yeah, we got that email on Monday. Crap. Just plain crap.

Unfortunately, we don’t even know *when* they will decide who will go when they “aggressively” cut costs, so now we’re walking around on pins and needles, looking at each other, waiting for the call to “come see me.” I’ve been through it twice. I swear to you, if T calls me with that statement, I might just say, “should we just save the time and let me use it packing up the crap I’ve amassed here over the last 15 months?”

Nah. I don’t think so. Instead, I’m going to make her say it to my face. While I do not blame her one bit, I’m just so stinking sick of it that I’m not going to make it easier for anyone.

Damn it! Where’s the freaking “healthy economy” we keep being told about? Smoke and mirrors, that’s where. “Let’s tell the American people this load of bullshit, and then they’ll believe it, and then everything will be fine.”

I mean, seriously, there are two choices:
We are being lied to
The Powers That Be are too stupid to realize people are out of work/underemployed

And many of us are getting very very angry over our total impotence over this whole situation.

Anyway, back to this. Portions of the company for which I work are located in areas of the country that are showing “recession-based business activity.” Lovely. Just freaking lovely, considering what I do (I write training for business banking, so the bank is effected by a recession and specifically small businesses are effected, so double whammy!).

I do feel sorry for my direct supervisor, M. He is middle management (always at risk). He has a young baby (not yet a year, I don’t think). His wife works PT.

The other, local middle manager, C, is also at risk. First, his team is weak. Second, he has more than once used extremely misplaced humor.

Sure, there are others around me who are at risk. V has a crappy attitude, has been on probation, and does substandard work. OK, she’s on ‘the list.’ And M is frequently late with her work, and when she finally does turn it in (if someone else doesn’t do it instead), it’s riddled with mistakes—spelling, grammar, programming, factual. You name it, she’s blown it—but she’s been there forever, so they won’t tag her. Then there is the other M, who has also been there forever. She is a complainer. She is late to work constantly, and goes home early. And she doesn’t have a degree (undergrad or masters). But again, she won’t be tagged. The women the next state over are safe, I’m sure, too. Longevity, and they do great work.

So, am I being gloom and doom? Well, maybe, but that’s what happens to a person when they’ve been RIFed twice.

Hey, maybe I’ll get a great severance package!

I’m going to go eat pizza now. Then potato chips and chip dip, followed by ice cream. And there’s a bottle of vodka I hear calling my name, too.

Coming Soon to a Blog Near You!

2007-09-27T20:46:00.000-04:00

A post on how irritated I am at the vast number of people who use the written word to try to communicate.

I say try because they do not seem to have even a basic grasp of the English language. I started to write this while at the world's most boring meeting today, and even outlined it...but I want to do it justice.

For now, I will leave you with my all-time favorite malapropism. I seriously read this on a bulletin board (for those of you who don't already know that):

I am mellon collie.

(Not really. Now that I have posted that, I'm smiling.)

OK, OK, so the person who wrote it obviously follows Smashing Pumpkins, but you'd think she would have known the real word!

And thank you, dearest Aliene for pointing out that I spelled "communicate" incorrectly when I originally posted this. Hmmm. Perhaps I should not laugh so much at others.

Nah. Their is much differnt than typing rong or speeling or grammering rong. :-)

2007-09-18T21:14:00.000-04:00

Am I a snob because when people say things like, “Oh, I just love Meijer!” (or Walmart or Kmart or any of the other low-budget retailers), I have to stop myself from vocalizing my gut reaction reply of “ew.”

I mean, is it all that WRONG of me to want:
> Processed vegetables that don’t include pieces and parts of the plant that are normally thrown away?
> Decent enough produce sections that I only have to purchase processed vegetables in the middle of winter?
> Clothing that is sized in ways that includes numbers, not letters?
> A place to shop where I don’t have to worry about meat dripping on my new clothes before I even get them home?
> Fresh fish that does not smell like fish?

I'm not saying I don't go there for things here or there, and I certainly have dropped plenty of money at Tar-jhay...maybe it's the juxtiposition of the word, "LOVE" in front of it. Dunno.

And yet, I've purchased (and enjoyed) my fair share of Tar-jhay brand wine. Now, granted, I wouldn't do it for a fine dinner. Actually, I would only serve it to myself or share it at a 'bago...and really much of the adult beverage volume consumed there isn't considered "top shelf" anyway.

Sorry...rambling...just bothered that a friend has been criticised for feeling this way.

Chapter Two? Nuh-uh!

2007-09-16T11:41:00.000-04:00

This topic has been brewing in my mind for quite a while now, and Ali’s and Tanja’s responses have pushed more concrete thoughts to the top.

Is Boris my “Chapter Two” as many of our mutual acquaintances say? No way. That would imply that my life is only measured by the man with whom I’m in a relationship. To be honest, even if I were inclined to think of myself that way, he’d still wind up as my Chapter Three. But I digress.

Neither Ali nor Tanja (nor I for that matter) created widow IDs based on the late spouses’ name. Come to think of it, with the exception of one person, all of the widows with whom I ‘hang out’ have UserIDs that reflect an element of them. My ID is based on MY initials—with my maiden name, for that matter. Tanja, Ali, Michelle have used their names. Mae loves animals, and that is clear in her ID.

Now that I think of it, I was immediately drawn to exploring a deeper relationship with Mae because of that—as anyone who has read The Blending of Two Adult Lives knows, I, too, like pets. Her writing is also admirable, and yes, we did form a friendship. Being unemployed together helped, too. I will never forget that I got the call to interview for my current job, which I love, as I was driving home from visiting her. By the way, she’s in New Jersey, I’m in Ohio. But I digress again.

Sure, some of the people with whom I click have IDs that reflect their grieving selves. But it is their GRIEVING self. Ms A went out and figured out the Greek word for a female who is mourning. Now, how much more Ms A could that be??? Interestingly, she has recently moved to a place where she changed her UserID to reflect that she is grieving less, becoming more specifically A. As she said there, perhaps even more A than she was while she was married.

However, as one who has never defined herself as an extension of those around me, I can tell you that blending my life with Boris is Chapter 10:

Chapter 1: Young child, growing up on the east side of Cleveland. Very academic, not so very athletic nor musical. Hell, I sucked at sports (couldn’t see well enough) and my oboe sounded more like a dying duck than a musical instrument (the brutally honest words of some of my ‘friends’ in band). I also didn’t fit in at ALL in high school (I didn’t party or drink, so no one wanted to hang out with me). I wasn’t socially adept, and was always one step behind the other kids. Prime example: I was vice president of a couple of clubs, but never top dog in any.

Chapter 2: The college years. Miami University, Oxford, OH. Didn’t fit in there, either. It really bothered me that I couldn’t make friends, so first I joined the “Little Sisters” of a fraternity. Within just a few months I realized that even the opportunity to make friends was not worth being defined by a big group of men, so I joined a sorority in my junior year. Isn’t it sad that I had to pay people to be my friend?

Chapter 3: Exploring adulthood. Youngstown, OH, and then Richmond, VA, then Columbus, OH. Again, didn’t make any friends in any of those places. Are you seeing a theme here? I am. I’ve struggled with that my whole entire life. Not sure why unless it’s because I do not compromise who I am just to fit into a group. I’m OK with that when I see it from that angle. I just have to remember to view it that way instead of from my neurotic vantage point of, “there must be something wrong with me.” If I introvertedly sit down and examine it dispassionately, I’m glad I have that much courage of my convictions. Besides, I CAN amuse myself. I don’t HAVE to have the distraction of someone/something/anything to feel whole.

Chapter 4: Married. He developed paranoid schizophrenia (never thought I’d know how to spell that), so the marriage failed. Notice, though, I did not fail in the marriage. Nor did he. It was simply impossible for me to be ME in that situation. I hope he’s doing well.

Chapter 5: Young divorcee. OK, I did make some of the mistakes of being a young divorcee, and I’m OK with that. It was just a part of being me while figuring out who I would be.

Chapter 6: Don. He was good for me. I grew a lot, became confident enough to go out and get a real career job, not just a paycheck job. I will always hold him dear in my heart.

Chapter 7: Widowhood. Ugh.

Chapter 8: Masters candidate. Hard work, worth every moment and penny.

Chapter 9: Widow-mentor. Helping other young widows navigate the terror, the horror, the mess.

Chapter 10 (and beyond!): Boris.

The glory of being with Boris is that I know there will be new chapters in my life along the way, and that’s fine with him. After all, he has chapters unfolding, too, so why shouldn’t I?

Wow, long post to say, “I am me, and am proud of who that is.”

Oh, and Tanja, regarding your thoughts of, “do we have to get to them fast and early before someone else snatches them up?” You might laugh to know that I have discussed that exact same thing with another widow…a few months before I met Boris…in the 0-6 Month forum. Seriously, I only meant to give a supportive reply to a young widower who loves animals, and it was a month or so after that before he and I really clicked, but now I wonder if you’re ‘looking,’ is that the way to do it?

And is that partially because men tend to grieve at a different pace than women? Or they are socially programmed to ‘get past’ it faster?

I think that’s fodder for a different post on it’s own. For now, I’ll let it percolate.

Vienna, by Billy Joel

2007-08-29T21:53:00.000-04:00

I find the lyrics to Vienna (and the plaintive melody, for that matter) to be excellent advice to new young widows.

There are some “youngsters” (i.e., those who are new to grief, not necessarily young chronologically) who want to rush the process. I know a widow who was three weeks into widowhood when I met her, and her ONLY topic of conversation via IM with me was, “tell me about this widower. And this one. And this one.” She was obviously there only to troll for a new husband. While that is her business (and the business of the others who act/think that way), I just shook my head and thought, “Slow down you crazy child; you're so ambitious for a juvenile. But then if you're so smart tell me why are you still so afraid? Where's the fire, what's the hurry about? You better cool it off before you burn it out. You got so much to do and only so many hours in a day.”

Because I see her and the others running, rushing, pushing, shoving. Burning out before they get to the pain, let alone through the pain. It looks like some are trying to fill the time/space with something, anything (anyone?) so they do not have to feel the pain. And there is so much pain, and only so many hours in a day to process it.

Maybe it’s just that my goal for my grief was different. I decided to use the experience to find me—all of me, and not the me that I had become so that I could try to fit into society and, frankly, my relationship with Don. Perhaps that’s why the words, “But you know that when the truth is told that you can get what you want or you can just get old.” rang true. I wanted to get a full understanding of me—both the nice/kind/empathetic/thoughtful NJN and the evil/bitter/cynical/judgmental twin who I named Natasha. Thankfully, I regained the ability to filter my thoughts from my lips before I unleashed her on the world. Now only those who I trust the most get to know her. Well, and if you’re reading this, I guess you, too.

The worst part about folks like the above mentioned widow is they make others feel awful about themselves. I know from experience. There they are, finding new partners right and left, and more than three years later, I still hadn’t had a date. Damn that hurt.

And then Billy spoke to me again: “Slow down you're doing fine. You can't be everything you want to be before your time, although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight (tonight).” Yeah, it would have been romantic to get into a new relationship, and I HATED that life! I HATED the me in that life! I needed to change, needed something different! Almost decided to “just date” anyone.

Well, says Billy, “Too bad, but it's the life you lead. You're so ahead of yourself that you forgot what you need. Though you can see when you're wrong, you know you can't always see when you're right (you're right).”

Damn. I was right to wait, to grow, to find me first. Damn. Hated that.

So, what did I have? Well, I was passionate about waiting until I knew what I needed. I was passionate about grieving him completely, as he deserved. And I was proud of how completely I grieved. Yeah, I was totally stuck on myself, and very certain I was grieving correctly. And knew I had a dream of what I wanted for my life. It included being in a great relationship with a wonderful job. Of course, marriage would be cool, but in my experience, men didn’t really want to get married.

Then Billy said, “You got your passion you got your pride, but don't you know that only fools are satisfied? Dream on but don't imagine they'll all come true.”

Crap. No marriage for me.

But wait! “Slow down you crazy child; take the phone off the hook and disappear for a while. It's all right, you can afford to lose a day or two.
When will you realize...Vienna waits for you.”

OK. It waits for me. I’ll wait for it. And Billy was right. When I sat back, relaxed, stopped rushing and running and looking, I met Boris. I've been wrong about a lot. Who knows? Maybe I'm also wrong about the "no marriage" part.

Anyway, with all this new found wisdom, why don’t I post this to the grief board? Simply put, some folks would be offended by “You're gonna kick off before you even get halfway through.”

And the nice NJN wouldn’t hurt someone’s feelings on purpose. So Natasha rambles it here.

Tuesday Feet...or is it Feat?

2007-08-28T21:56:00.000-04:00

How is it that life gives us the people we need when we need them? What a beautiful dance of spirits in and out of our lives, helping us grow as we need to, when we need to...or allowing us to rest for a bit when the psyche is tired. Today was a day that made it clear. It was really quite a good one, but oh, what a long one!

You see, I drove from Columbus to Cleveland (area) today to spend the day working with my all-time favorite ever coworker, and back home when the work day was done. I've only known the Teacher Lady (who will be known as TL from now on) for just a couple of months, but oh the connection! My Gob (nod to TL), I can tell that woman anything!

You see, she's me only a few years younger (well, perhaps I use the term, "few" in a 'broad-stroke' kind of way). I do believe I would be old enough to be her mother if I had been loose in High School (yes, Michelle, she's your age), but I digress...

We talked. We gossiped. We bitched about crap that we shouldn't have to deal with. We went to lunch (and picked out a lovely bromeliad for Boris, but that will be discussed on Natasha-n-Boris). We got lost on the way to lunch and on the way back (but couldn't care one hoot because we were talking). Then we solved a stumbling block on a project we're writing together. Then we went to dinner (wonderful Cuban place). While there we talked and talked and talked.

Prior to the growth I've had from widowhood, I wouldn't have been ready to be TL's friend. I suspect in a few years we will be finishing each other's sentences. I help her rethink things to see them from the positive side, and she helps me do the same.

I asked her permission (and received it) to be add her blog to my list of non-widow blogs. I'll do that just as soon as I figure out what it is (sending an email now while I'm thinking of it. Don't you love how the Internet allows you to do more than one thing at a time???). [N.B. Got the links, added them to here.] I told her of some of your blogs, and I know she's going to come check them out.

And as I was noodling that on the way home (oh, and TL--if you're reading this, I thought we could make the entries to the different topics in the units as "cities" in the state maps!), I realized I wouldn't have been ready to be Pentha's friend...or Ron's friend...or Mae's friend...or Michelle's friend...or Aliene's friend...so many people that I wouldn't have connected with because I didn't believe in myself very much.

And most obviously, I would not have been ready to love Boris.

And now, to complete the circle and tie-in the title:

The feat is that we figured out our theme for this big project
The feet are tired because I had on some great CFM shoes today, and it was a long, long day! I left the house 15 hours before I returned to it.

An Introvert's Alone Place

2007-08-27T20:39:00.000-04:00

Natasha here. The Natasha of Natasha-n-Boris's blog. I thought it would be good to have my own place to blog alone. I'll not tell anyone, of course, until I know how consistent I will be. Perhaps more consistent than other things I've done, as this is a place I can write.

And as an introvert, I can write more easily than I can speak.

My family would be amazed to find out how much I think of myself as an introvert. My mother always called me the social butterfly. I'm not sure how much it was "to get out to be with people" as it was "to find someone--anyone--with whom I felt totally comfortable."

I've been out-of-synch with the world for so long that once I started meeting people with whom I could easily communicate, I was 44. Widowed. So raw I just didn't even bother to "try." And yet, it worked.

Perhaps there is something to be said for simply saying to the rest of the world, "Screw you. This is me. I like me. If you don't, then go away."

Anyway. I'll think about posting the address someday.

But for now, I will perhaps go read some friends' blogs, post to the one I share with Boris, read the board I'm on, and play some Ca-nah-sta with Incommunicado, Pentha and Blue Eyes Crying.